New Orders
by Ninja Elizabeth
Summary: The Date! Part Two! They actually leave the apartment.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

  
**

New Orders  
By  
192344531 

**

  
Integral watched as the two messengers from Her Majesty, the Queen, left her office. She stared long and hard at the sealed orders they had given her. "New orders." She replied as she finally decided to break the seal. 

She had to read it twice before she believed her eyes as to what it said: "Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing, in accordance with the Knights of the Round Table, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England, hereby orders you to produce an heir in order to maintain your position at the head of the Round Table Conference." 

Instinctively she reached for a cigar. "Damn it!" She grumbled. She had run out and had not had the opportunity to get more. She called for Walter. 

Within moments the loyal Hellsing family retainer answered her call. Before he could respond, Integral spoke. 

"Walter, I need a drink." 

Walter bowed. "I will get you some tea." 

Integral glared at him. 

"Some wine?" 

Integral's glare was piercing. 

"I understand." Walter responded bowing once more taking note of the empty cigar tin as well and left. 

  
Alucard opened his coffin and stretched out his long limbs. It was a full moon tonight. The freaks were sure to be out and there would be a mission. He was sure of it. He could sense that his master was annoyed. But then she was always annoyed. He so enjoyed tormenting her. He decided however to go up to the roof. He would let his master stew a bit before subjecting her to his nightly torment. 

Something down by the gates of the Hellsing Manor caught the vampire's attention. A motor scooter? Rarely did they receive guests at the manor, and when they did, they certainly did not ride motor scooters. 

Walter closed the door and nearly ran into the vampire who was suddenly behind him. "Sir Integral is not in the best of moods this evening. It would be in your best interest not to torment her this evening." He replied as he walked past the vampire. 

"Me? Torment Integra?" Alucard teased. 

Walter was unaffected by the toothy grin of the vampire and went about his way. 

Alucard thought about going to see his master, but there was the full moon to consider. Seras Victoria told him that when the master was in a foul mood she tended to take it out on the troops. It often wasn't good for morale, especially with all the new recruits. If there was going to be a mission tonight and he had no doubt that there would be he would have his opportunity to 'bother' his master. 

  
When Walter reentered Integral's office, she was still sitting at her desk staring at the Royal orders. Walter set the drink done in front of her. 

Integral put the orders down and picked up the drink. She downed the amber colored liquid in one gulp and then started choking. She slammed the glass down on her desk. "Good God, Walter! What the hell was that?!" she gasped. 

"Whiskey," Walter replied. "Oh, and I noticed that you were out of cigars and took the liberty of getting you some more." 

Integral looked up at Walter through her watering eyes as he placed two tins of her favorite cigars on the desk. "Thank you," she responded in almost a whisper, as her throat still burned from the whiskey going down. 

As Integral expertly opened one of the cigar tins Walter asked what was troubling her. He assumed that it had to have been the visit from the Royal messengers but he couldn't be completely certain. 

Integral lit her cigar and then handed Walter the document she had received. "New orders from Her Majesty," Integral replied clinching her cigar in her teeth. 

Walter was almost afraid to look at what the document said. He didn't have to as Integral continued. 

"I've been ordered to produce an heir." She replied. 

"Oh my." Walter replied reading the document Integral handed to him. It was indeed from the Queen, and just as Integral said, she was being ordered to produce an heir. No wonder, he thought, she needed a drink. 

Integral looked at Walter. "'Oh my.' Is that all you have to say, Walter?" she asked. 

"Well, this comes as quite a shock, but I guess we should have seen this coming sooner or later." Walter responded. 

Integral lowered her head into her hands, letting her usual defenses down. "What am I going to do, Walter? I am a Hellsing. I can't just go to the nearest sperm bank and tell them to impregnate me." 

"Is that such a bad idea?" Walter asked. 

"My child will be a Hellsing. He or she will have to carry on the family honor and tradition, Walter. I should like to know where this child comes from." Integral replied. 

"Well, then, you must go out on a date." Walter replied. 

"What? I don't know the first thing about dating!" Integral responded with a grumble. 

"Trial by fire then." Walter replied. "Would you like some help in setting up your first date?" 

Integral took a long drag of her cigar and let out the smoke in a long sigh. "What else am I to do?" she replied. "Make it so, Walter." 

Just then the phone rang. The freaks were on a rampage. It was time to dispatch the troops. Duty called. 

  
  
Notes: please don't flame me. This is my first Hellsing story... please review and tell me what you think... 

Next Chapter: Integral's first date! 


	2. Integral's First Date

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

From this point forward things may get OOC as I am sailing now in uncharted waters, but I will still try to keep as in character as I can. 

LOL I 'spelled' my own 'name' wrong on the last chapter!! And you can now review 'anonymously'. I didn't realize that I had that restricted. Sorry **Fluffy**. ^^; ** Kreuz Swords**.. Star Trek. Hehe... I had thoughts of that as well. I couldn't come up with anything better at the time.   
Thank you all for your reviews!

**New Orders  
Integral's First Date  
By  
192455631 **

  


Integral Hellsing stood in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom. She was wearing a dark blue suit; pants, a simple blouse, and a jacket. It was cut for a woman, but it was still a suit. She sighed as she adjusted her tie. She didn't know what to wear. Most of her clothes were her uniforms or suits similar to the one she was wearing, and this one was the most feminine. 

There was a knock on her door. Who dared to disturb her? It couldn't be Walter. The knock too tentative, and Alucard simply appeared. The person knocked again, only a little bit confident than before. 

Walking away from her mirror, she went to open the door. "What do you want," she demanded glaring at the young vampire, Seras Victoria. 

"I- um, well, that is, uh..." Victoria stammered a bit taken aback by Integral's tone. 

"Get on with it. I don't have all evening." Integral replied. 

"Well, Walter sent me up here to help you." Victoria responded. 

"Help me? What would I possibly..." Integral's voice trailed off. No. Walter told her about her plans. Silently she cursed her loyal retainer. Integral turned away from the door leaving it open. 

Victoria entered Integral's room. She was taken a bit by surprise. It wasn't at all what she had expected. She didn't know what to expect really, but she definitely didn't expect it to look like a girl's room. Victoria reached for a picture on Integral's dresser. 

"Don't touch anything." Integral replied as though she had eyes on the back of her head. "Despite what Walter thinks, I don't need your help." 

Victoria looked at the suit that Integral was wearing. "Are you going to wear that?" she asked. "You should lose the tie." 

Integral took a deep breath, and stared at her image in the mirror. She took off the tie, took a moment to look at herself, then put it back on. "I don't feel right without a tie, something around my neck." She replied. 

Victoria chuckled softly. "Afraid of a vampire coming up from behind and biting your neck?" 

Integral turned and gave the young vampire a piercing glare. She had to admit that that was kind of funny but she didn't dare give her the pleasure of knowing that she found it funny. It was in a way true, but it was also due to years of wearing a tie and she felt almost naked without one. "I'm going to be late." She replied with her eyes telling the young vampire to get out of her room. "Move." She commanded. 

Victoria led the way and exited from Integral's room. Integral closed the door behind her. She continued down the hall as Alucard appeared behind his vampire sire. 

Alucard looked at his master curiously for his master was not in uniform. She was almost always in uniform. He then looked down at Victoria. "Where is she going dressed like that?" the vampire asked. 

"She's got a date." Victoria responded. She quickly put her hand over her mouth. Walter told her not to tell anybody, especially Alucard. 

It took a minute for what Victoria just said to sink in. Date? He watched his master as she walked down the long corridor. He started snickering. He snickering quickly turned to laughter. His laughter turned almost maniacal. 

  
The chauffeur pulled up to the cigar shop. He stepped out and opened the door for Integral. She stepped out and walked into the shop. Walter instructed her that she was to meet Thomas there. 

Thomas was behind the counter and recognized Integral Hellsing the moment she entered the shop. He smiled at her. 

"Hey, you came!" he replied. 

Integral knew Thomas from all the times she had come to the cigar shop to personally purchase her cigars. She had never really taken the time to actually talk to the guy, other than telling him what she wanted or asking him when the next shipment was to come in. She really had no idea of how to conduct herself. "Good evening, Thomas." She replied a bit awkwardly. 

Thomas was a handsome young man. He was definitely the youngest of the employees of the cigar shop, but he knew his stuff. He smiled at her. He was dressed in a casual suit. His elder co-worker was shocked. 

"Wait a minute, Thomas." The elder man, known as Andrew asked, "your date is Integral Hellsing?" 

"Yes." Thomas chuckled. He turned to Integral. She was not in uniform. He had never see her in anything but the olive suit. "You look lovely tonight." 

Integral wasn't quite sure of how to respond. Usually the only one who told her that she looked lovely was Alucard, and she rarely took him seriously. "Thank you," she replied dryly. 

The two of them left the cigar shop. Thomas walked to his motor scooter. "I uh, only have this. Do you mind?" he asked. 

Integral stared at the motor scooter. He had to be kidding. "I have my car. My chauffeur will take us wherever you wish to take me." Integral replied, not looking forward to riding on the back of the tiny motor scooter. 

Thomas' eyes went wide. Integral's car was a Rolls Royce. He knew that the Hellsing family was rich. He had seen the 'house' in which she lived when he delivered the cigars the previous evening, but he never expected her to show up in a Rolls Royce. "Wow." Thomas drooled. 

  
Alucard wanted to go and follow his master on her date. The very thought of Integra on a date made him snicker every time he thought of it. But there was an alert. Walter ordered him to join Victoria and the squad to take care of the problem. First he questioned Walter about why his master was going out on a date with the young man that he had seen arrive at the manor the previous evening on a motor scooter. 

"That does not concern you," Walter replied. "You have your orders, Alucard." 

"Aren't you going to alert Integra to the disturbance?" Alucard asked. 

"It is not a major disturbance. It's best not to disturb her tonight." Walter replied. 

"You still haven't told me 'why'" Alucard asked. "Why would Integra suddenly decide to go on a date?" 

"I told you. It is none of your concern." Walter repeated. 

"Oh, but it does. Integra is my master." Alucard replied. 

Walter stared at him. The vampire could see that he would get nowhere with the man he once fought along side. He disappeared into the shadow. 

Alucard reappeared inside Integral's office. As Walter stated himself, it was not a major disturbance. Victoria and the others could handle thing for a while on their own. 

He noticed a wadded up, burned piece of paper in Integral's trash can. It contained the "royal seal" on it. He looked at it. It was pretty well burned, but he could make out a few words. "Majesty, the Queen, Round Table, heir." Alucard snickered. It all made sense now. 

He threw the paper back in the trash and disappeared to join the others. 

  
The Hellsing family Rolls Royce drove towards the Hellsing manor after dropping Thomas back at the cigar shop. Integral could still smell the cigar smoke on her person. Her throat and eye still burned. Her head pounded. Spending an entire evening smoking and talking about cigars was not her idea of a fun and enjoyable evening. She had old men hitting on her, boring her to tears with cigar talk so impressed that a woman of her statutre would be interested in cigars all evening. 

As the Rolls Royce pulled up to the steps of her residence, all Integral could think about was a nice hot shower and bath to wash the smell from her body. He chauffer stepped out of the car and opened her door. She stepped out of the car to find Alucard sitting on the steps waiting for her, drinking a packet of blood. 

She paid him no attention. 

Alucard smiled. "Did you have a nice date, Master?" 

Alucard's smile turned to a toothy grin as he noticed the ever so slight flinch in Integral's demeanor as she stormed up the stairs past him. 

  
  
******* The secret's out! Alucard knows. Victoria knows. What's next? Yes, I will expand on Integral's dates...

Next Chapter: The freak 


	3. The Freak

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. FEED ME! Due to the reviews that I have gotten recently I have been inspired to continue this story... Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

  
**

New Orders  
The Freak By  
192455631 

**

  
Alucard awakened. He immediately sensed that something was not right. His master was not on the premises. He appeared in behind Walter who had just hung up the telephone. "Where's Integra?" the vampire asked. 

Walter turned to the inquisitive vampire. "She has other business to attend to." He replied. "Do not concern yourself with her. 

"She is my master and I am sworn to protect her. I can't protect her if I don't know where she is." Alucard replied. He knew that he could find her if he needed to, wanted to and he knew that Walter knew that as well. He was curious as to what Walter would say. 

"Sir Integral does not need your interference." Walter replied as he walked away from the vampire. 

Alucard chuckled slightly. Business. He decided that he would wait a little while and then perhaps if there was not an alert, go a spy on his master to see how her date was going. He had to be careful, as she knew that he was aware of the new orders, and she had a knack for sensing his presence where others could not. 

  
Integral waited in the apartment Walter suggested they rent so that her dates wouldn't have to arrive to pick her up at the Hellsing Manor or she didn't arrive in a Rolls Royce. Walter pointed out that either one would be quite intimidating. 

So, here she was, waiting in the apartment. Walter had taken the liberty to have it decorated so that it looked lived in. He had even taken care to rent one that was previously owned by a smoker so that should she feel the need to smoke, it would not forfeit the security deposit. 

She heard a car pull up. She looked out the window. A hearse? What kind of a man picked up a date in a hearse? She walked away from the window and silently cursed Walter as she waited for the knock. She reminded herself that she was Integral Farbrook. 

The knock came and Integral took her time getting to the door. She didn't want to see as though she was anxious. Certainly not, since she was far from being anxious. She resented that her life had come to this. She was a Royal Knight of England. She was _Sir_ Integral Farbrook Wingates Hellsing. Hellsing. It was times like this that she cursed her family history. It was a history that she had to uphold and maintain. She could not let just anybody into the family, and most certainly not be the father to her heir. 

Integral opened the door. Before her stood a short scrawny young man dressed as a chauffeur. Was this her date? 

"Good evening, Madam," the scrawny gentleman replied. "My master awaits." 

Master? Integral asked herself. Madam? She hated being called that. Nobody had ever called her that; Her Ladyship, Lordship, Lady, Lord, Sir, but certainly not ever Madam. Taking a deep breath, Integral looked the door behind her as the chauffeur led the way to the 'car'. 

Her thoughts turned to Alucard. She knew that he had found out about her new orders. It didn't matter how he found out, as she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep them from him for long. It was probably that police girl. Damn her. She watched as the chauffeur pulled the coffin halfway out. This couldn't be Alucard. No, she could always sense him when he was near by. And he wouldn't go through all this trouble just to annoy her would he? No, she concluded. He knew that she would personally shoot him in the head for pulling such a stunt. Which brought her back to the moment at hand. 

The chauffeur turned to face Integral. "May I present my master, Vladimir Bledinov." 

The coffin opened. A rather handsome young man with long curly hair rose up from within. He smiled to reveal his fangs. 

Integral kept her composure, only here years of training kept her from bursting into an uncharacteristic laughter. However, on the inside she didn't know whether or not to strangle Walter with his own monofilament for setting her up like this. Dressed in elaborate 18th century attire, her date, she thought looked ridiculous. The coffin and fangs were almost too much. They bothered her to some extent but probably not in the way that her date expected. 

Vladimir noticed the cross Integral wore and pulled back with a hiss. "That cross. Please take remove it. It offends me." 

Oh, god. This guy is a joke, Integral thought. She decided to amuse him and she placed it under her shirt. She wasn't about to remove it. 

"Thank you." Vladimir replied. "Do not be alarmed. You have nothing to fear from me. You are in no danger from me, tonight." 

Or ever, Integral thought. If she were anybody else but Integral Hellsing, she might be a bit disturbed by the man's presence and fooled by the idiot's ridiculous masquerade. Her experiences told her that this man was certainly no threat to her. She decided to go along with the ridiculousness for the evening. After all, it couldn't be much worse than spending the evening with a starry eyed young suitor in a stuffy cigar smoke filled room with a bunch of lecherous old men, could it? 

  
The ghouls seemed almost endless. Alucard silenced them one by one, effortlessly causing Sera Victoria and the human troops to wonder why they even bothered anymore. Alucard left a few ghouls for them as he made his way toward the source. 

Alucard found the offending freak vampire. He grinned at him. He toyed with him, allowing him to think that he was better than he actually was. Alucard made it look like the freak was winning. Oh how angry my Master would be, Alucard thought. You took too damn long, Alucard! He could hear Integra scream. But there would be none of that tonight, just an annoyed Walter, and an annoyed Walter was no match for a pissed off Integra. No. Integra was out on another date. That fact made Alucard snicker. 

Just as it appeared that the freak had gotten the upper hand on Alucard and was about to deliver it's deathblow, Seras burst onto the scene. The freak looked at her. 

"Master, Walter wants to know what is taking you so long." She replied. 

Alucard got up and stuck a hand through the stunned freak. He sighed. "Why does Walter have to ruin all my fun." He replied. 

The two vampires walked out to where an annoyed Walter was waiting. Walter glared at the no-life-king. "Sir Integra will not be pleased, Alucard." The Hellsing retainer replied. "You know how she hates you playing around." 

Alucard grinned at Walter. It was a grin that would cause any other man to turn on his heels and run for his life. "Would you rather have me find other means to amuse me?" he asked. "Like spying on my stubborn Master? I know about her orders. I can handle a pissed off Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing. Can you?" 

With that, Alucard disappeared. Walter sighed. He knew Alucard would obey him to a certain extent. Integral had given him orders to obey Walter where missions were concerned, but even Integral's control over Alucard was limited. Alucard enjoyed himself. Pure and simple. 

  
Integral couldn't believe a place like this existed. It was a hive of humans who wanted to be vampires. It made her sick to her stomach. Why would a human want to be a vampire and live their lives pretending to be one? These fools were worse than the freaks that she was destroying of late. At least the chipped vampires were as good as dead and had true vampire urges to consume blood. These fools were merely playing an elaborate game. 

Inside the building, it looked like a fancy restaurant; however, it was filled with ridiculous role players as well, all dressed as Vladimir was. 

The maître d' approached Vladimir and smiled. "Your usual table, I presume?"

"Yes. Thank you." 

The usual table? This guy came here often? Integral was beginning to think that this was going to be far worse than the cigar room. 

Vladimir's usual table was a table toward the back, which suited Integral just fine. Not that any of the vampire want-to-be's would know who she was, but she still did not want to take that chance. When the waiter approached, Vladimir ordered for the both of them. He was trying to be charming. Integral found him annoying. She had to deal with the pompous fools of the Round Table and the police she didn't need this. 

The wine arrived first. Vladimir made a scene about it. Having the waiter pour a bit of it in the glass. Sloshing it around, sniffing it and tasting it expertly, then commenting on its vintage. The waiter bowed and then left the table. Vladimir poured Integral a glass of wine. When she sipped it she couldn't help but roll her eyes. It was as ridiculous as the whole 'vampire' charade. It was nothing more than cheap drugstore wine. Integral was glad she didn't look at the menu. It was probably a charade as well. She began to wonder why in the world Walter would set her up with a freak like this? Why would she want a phony want-to-be vampire when she had Alucard? 

"So, Integral, may I call you that?" Vladimir asked breaking the silence. "What interest do you have in a vampire such as myself?" 

Integral grimaced internally, the very thought of this charlatan calling her by her given name made her sick. "You will address me by my rank and title." She replied. The fool would merely think it all to be role-play, she thought to herself. "Sir Integral Hellsing." 

"Sir Integral?" Vladimir asked. "Now that title hardly becomes a woman of your grace and beauty." 

Now Integral knew the guy was full of it. Beauty, yes, she had often been complimented on her beauty, but grace was not a common way used to describe her. "I am a knight of the Round Table serving Her Majesty, so my proper title is 'sir'. I know that it is uncommon for a woman to become a knight, but I serve in the grand tradition of my family and as my father's only heir, I have been knighted." 

Integral had been right. Vladimir did not think it odd at all. He did think she was playing a game. She made a note to kick Walter for this. 

When the food arrived, Integral was quite impressed. Despite being made of cheap ingredients the food actually tasted quite good. The steak on her plate was a bit well done for her liking but it was not too bad. She did notice however that her 'vampire' date was eating and rather enjoying a very well done steak. She looked at it, them at him. 

"I thought that vampires did not consume solid foods." She asked knowing the truth. 

Vladimir smiled. God, that fanged smile bothered her. Not because it was a fanged smile, but because it was fake or if it was real, it was not natural. "One can not live on blood alone." He replied. "Besides, why should I give up all this fine cusine?" 

Fine cusine? Integral sighed. This was really ridiculous. 

  
Alucard found the restaurant. He had to laugh. He knew of this place. He visited it once in a while just to make sure the patrons didn't take themselves too seriously and seek out the freak chips. He saw them as no threat. They spent most of their money on keeping up their phony lifestyle. None of them could afford a freak chip let alone find one. However, should one of them ever come across one, Alucard felt that one of them might pose a somewhat of a danger, so he kept his eye on them from time to time. He was amused that he would sense his master inside. 

Entering the restaurant, he was surprised at how crowded it was. He noticed Integral sitting toward the back with one of the resident nut cases and couldn't help snickering at the sight. She had her back to him so she couldn't see him, but he could sense how miserable she was. He decided that Vladimir Bledinov's company was enough torture for the evening and returned to the Hellsing Manor. 

Later that evening, Alucard heard the familiar angry footfalls of his master. He appeared in front of her and grinned making sure to show his fangs. "Did you have a nice dinner, Master?" 

Integral glared at Alucard. Then without giving him an answer she stormed down the hall. 

Alucard laughed. He could feel Integral's emotions rising and her blood boiling. 

  
  
********************  
Next Chapter: I don't know what the next chapter is... I don't remember. But Integral is sent on another date... Just what is Walter up to? And why is Integral being so stubborn? 

Thank you once again for reviewing!! 


	4. Shopping Spree?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

  
**

New Orders  
Shopping spree?  
By  
192455631 

**

  
Integral sat on the sofa in the apartment enjoying a cigar before her date arrived. Although dreading the rest of the evening, and already growing tired of the ridiculous routine, she was at least relaxing in the comforts of the apartment. She would not fail. She would find a worthy sire for her heir, that much was certain. She would not allow those spineless old men who sat with her at the Round Table to win. They had almost destroyed her once, but she came back. The look on their faces when she returned, unbroken and perhaps more scrupulous than ever was priceless. She would not allow them the pleasure of seeing her fail. 

One nice thing about the apartment was that she was away from Alucard. She gave him an order to stay away from the place and even made a small enchantment just to be safe. She could allow herself the luxury of forgetting, if only for a moment the duties and responsibilities of being the head of the Hellsing Organization. And she could relax without the presence of the vampire looming over her. 

Her thoughts turned to her mother. She wondered what she would think of the predicament she was in, and how she would handle things. She didn't have a lot of memories of her mother as she died when she was very young, but the few she did have she secretly cherished. She recalled that her mother was always so happy holding her 'little Integra' in her arms. What would her mother think of her 'little Integra' now, Integra wondered. Would she one day experience that kind of happiness that she remembered in her mother's eyes? 

A knock on the door brought Integral back to reality. Her date. She groaned and put out her cigar as she got up to answer the door. Upon opening it she found herself staring into the blue eyes of a very handsome young man, a far cry from the youth of Thomas from the cigar shop and not phony like that of Vladimir. 

"Hi! You must be Integral!" he responded with girlish squeal to his voice. "I'm Jack." 

Integral was confused but she didn't show it. Didn't Walter say that her date's name was Joe? What was this Jack fellow doing at her door and how did he know who she was? 

Jack continued. "My roommate, Joe, asked me to come and tell you that he won't be able to make it tonight. He was so looking forward to this evening, and frankly so was I." 

Integral looked at the man, Jack. He was looking forward to his roommates date? What kind of a pervert was this guy? 

Jack continued. "Joe really needs to get out more. He's such a stiff." Jack snickered as he looked Integral over noticing her style of dress. "And honey, by the looks of things, you could get out more too." 

This man was much too happy. Integral soon realized that the man was gay and merely running the errand of his roommate. Well, with the date canceled, perhaps Integral could see some Hellsing action for the evening. "What happened to Joe?" Integral asked out of curiosity and just in case Walter asked what she was doing back so early. 

"Joe got called in. There was some horrible traffic accident on the highway. Several cars, lots of injuries. He was needed at the hospital. Would you believe the survivors babbling on about vampires and stuff like that? Must have been idiot drunks driving." 

Vampires? Drunks? Not likely. Integral knew better. 

"But hey, why waste this evening?" Jack asked. "I'm here and I've got nothing to do, and you don't either since Joe isn't coming. What do you say?" 

Integral groaned internally. She really didn't want to go out with anybody, let alone this 'queen'. "I have to make a phone call." Integral replied. 

Integral retreated into the apartment to call Walter to get a lowdown on this accident that Jack mentioned. She could be of some help since her date was canceled. 

Jack entered the apartment. He immediately noticed the sparse décor of the place. It was as though a man were living there... in fact it was worse than that. Even Joe's place was better than Integral's place was before he convinced Joe to allow him to decorate the place. 

Integral dial the number that would connect her to Walter. 

  
Walter was standing by the car. He could hear the screams of the ghouls as Alucard or Seras disposed of them and the yelling of the Hellsing troops. He had to admit that it was nice to be out in the field again, even if it was a supervisory role. He missed being a part of the action. Integral wanted him at the manor where it was safe, she had once stated. She needed him too much to allow him to get hurt. 

The accident scene had been a bit sticky when the Hellsing troops arrived with all the civilians and news crews involved. He had to hand it to the commander to suggest that they dress as game hunters. Now things were under control and the vampires and ghouls had been chased away from the initial wreckage. Things had been handled nicely and no footage of vampires would make the evening news, only the panicked accounts of accident survivors. By now, no doubt, Alucard was having his fun. 

Walter's phone rang. It would be only one person. "Sir Integral. No, everything is under control. No, no, there is no need. You take it easy for the evening. No, please, relax. I made sure that you have plenty of cigars. Your date canceled? Well, then, enjoy the rest of your evening Alucard free." 

Just as Walter put the phone away, the aforementioned Alucard appeared behind Walter. Did he hear that last comment, Walter wondered? 

"Target has been terminated." He replied. Alucard then looked to where Walter had placed the phone. "Was that Integra?" 

Walter glared at the vampire. "Yes, and don't even think of bothering her tonight." 

Alucard just grinned. 

  
After hanging up the phone with Walter, Integral found herself being dragged out of her apartment by Jack who insisted they spend the evening together and it was apparent that he was not going to take no for an answer. Integral's only escape was to go along with him. Where Jack was taking her she had no idea. 

Integral found herself looking at curtains; window curtains, kitchen curtains, shower curtains... and any other sort of window dressings. It was making her head spin. Her idea of window fashion was a black drapery to keep the sun out. Next it was things for the bathroom and bedroom. 

By the time Jack suggested they look for things for her living room, Integral was enjoying herself although she wouldn't dare admit it, even to herself. 

When Integral resisted going into a dress boutique, Jack shook his head. "Oh no you don't, honey." He insisted. "I went into that nasty cigar place with you, honey, you have got to come inside here with me." 

"I will not. May I remind you that I am not on a date with you and you have no right to give me orders," Integral replied. 

"Oh, lighten up, honey." Jack responded. "I'm not ordering you to do anything. We are just two girls out having fun. Come on. When was the last time you did this sort of thing, hmmm? Went out and just let your hair down and got out of those stuffy clothes of yours, and pampered like a lady should be?" 

Integral groaned. It had been a while. She had never bee 'pampered like a lady' as Jack put it. Her childhood had been devoted to her study of the undead especially vampires and how to kill them, in preparation for her future as head of the Hellsing Organization. As an adult she did not have time for such luxury. "You are not getting me into a dress." She replied as they entered the boutique. 

The two young ladies who ran the boutique smiled at Jack. "My, what is this?" One of them asked. "Are you going straight on us, Jack?" 

Jack chuckled. "No, sorry. This is Integral. She was Joe's date for the evening but duty called, so I'm showing her around. I decided that we need to try on a few things." He leaned over to whisper something in the young girl's ear. "Start out conservative, make-up, hair, clothes. Then just when you have her trust, spring something really snazzy." 

The young girl smiled. Integral was glaring at Jack. Jack smiled. 

"Oh, relax. This will be fun!" 

  
Alucard sat in his chambers. Walter brought him is nightly ration of blood. As the vampire drank he wondered how his master's evening was going. He was growing bored. He needed something to do. But orders were orders and his master ordered him to stay at the manor after any missions were completed. 

  
Integral found herself trying one several nice woman's suits. The two ladies did her hair and make-up as well. She lost track of the time and just how many things she had tried on. Suddenly looking at herself in the mirror, Integral saw herself in a slinky, but very tasteful, sexy but not slutty blue silk dress. At first she wanted to scream. After however getting over the initial shock of seeing herself in the dress, she thought that she looked rather nice. The blue fabric of the dress accented her icy blue eyes and her hair and make-up was perfect. The contrast of her dark skin and platinum blonde hair added to the ensemble. However, it was still a dress and Integral wanted out of it. 

After trying on a few more suits, Integral was relived to be back in her own clothes. However Jack wanted to try on one more dress. Jack strutted out in the same blue dress that Integral had been wearing only a few minutes before. Integral was horrified. Jack looked good. Too good. Better than she did. 

Jack modeled it for the women and then went to change into his own clothes. He emerged from the dressing room carrying the blue dress. He turned to one of the shop girls. "Could you ring this up for me?" he asked. 

Before the shop girl could respond Integral grabbed the dress from Jack's hand. "Oh, no you don't. I am buying this dress." She found herself replying. 

"But I want it." Jack replied with a pout. 

"It's mine," Integral replied, with a trademark icy stare. 

Jack backed off. "Okay, it's yours." 

Integral paid for the dress. She didn't want it, but damn her stubbornness. She had to admit that Jack looked better in the dress than she did and she wasn't going to let him have it. 

  
Alucard paced the halls of the Hellsing Manor just outside Integral's bedroom to her office, making no attempt to conceal his footfalls. Back and forth, back and forth. If the floors were made of dirt, he would have made a nice little trail. Finally, Walter approached him. 

"Will you stop that pacing? You are driving me crazy!" the normally calm Walter snapped. 

The vampire looked at the Hellsing retainer. "Where is my master?" he demanded. Oh sure, Alucard could go out and find her but she was in no apparent danger. And then there was the official order to stay here. He also didn't want to upset his master too badly. He had hopes of a possible outcome and if he played his cards right there would be a possible chance. He could almost taste it. 

Walter was also a bit worried as well, but he didn't reveal that to the vampire. Integral had never been out this late on personal business of any kind. He hoped that it was a good sign. "I don't know, but you have your orders, Alucard." 

Alucard nodded as Walter walked away. Alucard resumed his pacing. 

Finally her night was over. Integral had called for her chauffer to pick her up at the coffee shop where she had departed company with Jack. She now not only had the blue dress, but a matching pair of shoes, a new handbag and make-up to complete the outfit. Jack had insisted. She sighed. Damn her stubbornness. What the bloody hell was she going to do with all this stuff she thought as the car pulled up. 

Integral got into the car and relaxed on the way home. It had been worth it to see Jack's face when she paid for the rather expensive dress without batting an eyelash. But now she had all this stuff to go along with it. 

Integral managed to make it up to her room without running into anybody and placed her bags into the darkest recesses of her closet. There the dress would stay, she thought. 

  
Alucard stood outside Integral's room. When the door opened his master nearly bumped into him. 

"Alucard! What in the name of hell are you doing standing outside my door? Get out of my way.!" She demanded. 

Alucard stood there looking at her. "I missed you." He replied. 

Integral shoved him aside. "Oh shut up!" she replied as she headed toward her office. 

Alucard watched her as she walked away. She was hiding something, he grinned. 

  
  
********************************  
**Next chapter:** Can things get any worse? Does this guy ever shut up? 


	5. SHUT UP!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

**Tribal-san**- Integral, formal, like Andrew; Integra, informal like Andy. I checked my spelling, as I tend to mistype many times... 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

_Italicized_ type is what is going on in Integral's mind.   
**

New Orders  
SHUT UP!!  
By  
192455631 

**

  
Alucard was bored. He missed being able to torment his master each evening when he awakened. He looked forward to it. Now instead of waking and going to torment his master, he had Walter, for his master was at the apartment preparing for a date. Walter was no fun. He didn't get annoyed inside the way his master did, and the police girl was much too sensitive to take his tormenting. No, Integra was the only one he could have fun tormenting. No human amused him the way his current master did. But he found more than just amusement in tormenting Integral. He respected her too. She was a stubborn and prideful young woman, and not willing to back away or back down, even to a monster such as him. It was that pride and stubbornness however that was the cause of his boredom now. 

But wait! He sensed her nearby! She was in her office! 

  
Integral sat at her desk in her office going over various reports and paperwork that Walter had put aside for her to look over. The freak vampires were getting stronger. They were more in command of their powers. They were still no match for her Alucard, but now it meant that Alucard was required for even the smallest of disturbances. The human troops were starting to feel useless. Something had to be done about that. 

Walter entered the office and walked up to Integral's desk. Integral looked up. She had the feeling she wasn't going to like that the old man had to say. 

"Good evening, Sir Integra. Are you up to a date tonight?" the retainer asked. 

"Do I have a choice, Walter?" she asked. 

"Well, you do, but that would mean disappointing the gentleman who will be waiting for you at the café." Walter replied. 

Integral groaned and lit a cigar. 

As she blew out the smoke from her mouth Alucard appeared from the ceiling upside down behind Walter. "Another date, master?" he asked. 

Integral glared at him. "I have orders for you, Alucard." 

Alucard righted himself and grinned with anticipation. "Yes, master?" he asked. 

"I want you to train that blasted vampire sapling of yours. As she is now, she is useless to me." Integral replied. "I need a vampire who can pull her own with the freaks getting stronger, not a half starved immortal that is weaker physically than a bum on the street." 

Alucard took offense. "The police girl is not that weak." He replied. 

"Nonetheless, Alucard, she is nothing more than a strong human who cannot see the light of day with heightened senses." Integral replied. "She needs to hone her vampiric abilities. Do I make myself clear?" 

Alucard nodded. "It shall be done, Master," he replied as a grin formed on his face. "But wouldn't you rather have me to protect you tonight?" 

Integral gave him an icy glare. It was one that would have turned the mightiest of men to goo, but then Alucard was more than just a man. "I do not want you anywhere near me while I am out on my date, is that understood?" 

Alucard's grin grew wider. "Would you like a taste of my blood then?" 

"GET OUT!" Integral screamed as Walter just shook his head. 

  
Integral arrived at the small but popular café in search of the man Walter had set her up with for the evening. It was filled with a mixed crowd, old and young. It was her date that noticed her first. He called out to her with a loud voice that pierced though the noise of the café. She quickly found where the voice came from and went to the table where her date was waiting. 

He was not at all what she expected. The gentleman was an average looking guy, dressed rather casually. She was glad that she had convinced herself once again not to wear a tie. He had red hair and a moustache. It was obvious that he had been wearing a hat. When she arrived at the table, he stood up and took her by the hand, kissing it. 

"Greetings, fair lady. You must be Integral," he replied. "I'm Kurt Miller." 

Integral was unimpressed but like she did it seemed like so many times before, she nodded and gave a reply. She hated men to come on to her in this fashion. At least she knew that he wasn't trying to impress her like so many others who wanted something from her. She took her seat. 

"Have you eaten?" Kurt asked. 

"No. I have not. Have you?" Integral responded. 

"I haven't." Kurt replied. "We can eat here. I hear the food is rather good." 

The café certainly wasn't what she expected but after her night out on the town with Jack, the nice relaxed atmosphere of the café would be a nice change. 

  
Alucard took aim once again with Integral's gun. He fired off several rounds at his target, the police girl Seras Victoria. He sighed and shook his head as every shot hit his intended target. 

"You are supposed to dodge the bullets, Police Girl, not run into them." Alucard replied. 

"I'm sorry, Master," Seras replied. 

Alucard was not impressed. "Walter is faster than you," he replied. 

Seras tried to change the subject. She knew that her master was not happy with her performance. She tried to change the subject. "Isn't that Sir Integra's gun, Master? Won't she be angry when she finds out that you've taken it?" 

"Leave Integra to me, Police Girl." Alucard replied loading another clip into the gun. "I suggest you try harder before she deals with you." 

Seras sighed. Unless there was a mission, this was going to be a long night. 

  
Dinner arrived. It was a mound of stuff that smelled good. Looked halfway appetizing, and nobody else seemed to mind. Kurt began to eat and talk at the same time. Integral began to eat as well. 

_What the heck is he talking about? Can't I eat in peace? Isn't the noise of this place loud enough? Do I have to listen to him talk all night long? My God. What was that? Did he mention vampires? What in the world is he rambling on about now? Dracula, no wait Hellsing. Hellsing? He's talking about Hellsing? My god, he's talking about Abraham van Hellsing. He's telling me my family history. _

I am going to strangle Walter for this when I get home. No, I can't do that. I need Walter. I'm sure Walter couldn't have know that this man would bore me to tears over dinner talking about my ** own** family history. If Alucard learns of this I'm never going to hear the end of it I'm sure. Oh god. This is crazy. How long do I have to listen to this? 

They had finished dinner as well as desert. Kurt suggested that they take a drive. While in the car, Kurt continued to talk. 

Integral was not really listening. She found herself nodding occasionally, more to the rhythm of his pattern of speech than to breaks in his words. 

_ What in the world is he rambling about now? Ninjas? Yakuza? How in the world did he end up talking about ninja and Yakuza? What to they have to do with England and vampires. Who the bloody hell is Masako Tokugawa and what does she have to do with Hellsing? Dragons? Now it's dragons? My head hurts._

Is this Black Rose a vampire? Is that why he's telling me this? The Velvet Trickster? Sounds like a porn star. She's a dragon. Right. I guess stranger things could be. After all, I have a vampire, two vampires in my basement. 

  
Alucard took aim. He emptied the clip into Seras, who dodged about 30% of the bullets. Alucard was not impressed. He released the clip and glared at her. "Not good." 

Seras was out of breath. "Master, can't we take a break? We've been at this all night." She replied. "I may be dead but I can still feel being shot at and I don't like it." 

Alucard reached into his coat pocket. It was empty. "We will take a break. I need more bullets." With that, Alucard disappeared. He reappeared moments later with more bullets and two packets of medical blood. He tossed one to Seras. 

"Drink it, Police Girl," Alucard commanded. "You should be grateful." 

Reluctantly, Seras drank. Alucard was right, she should be grateful. The Hellsing Organization provided her with the blood she needed so that she wouldn't have to feed. 

Alucard tossed his empty blood packet onto the pile of bullet shells. He waited impatiently for Seras to finish. "Hurry up." Seras drank the last of it. Vampire or not, it still tasted disgusting. She took a deep breath. Back to getting shot at. 

  
The car stopped in front of the cemetery. Integral wondered why her date was bringing her to the cemetery. Kurt had stopped talking about ninjas and the Yakuza and had somehow returned to the subject of vampires and the Hellsing family. 

How much longer do I have to put up with this? Is he even award that I am not paying attention? My glasses are filthy. I need a cigar. Damn. I forgot my lighter on my desk. Good God! Is it really that late? 

Uncle Richard? Uncle Richard is dead. He's the leader of the Hellsing family? Where does this guy get this stuff? Should I even ask him about my father and his daughter?

Integral interrupted Kurt and his rambling about Richard Hellsing. "Didn't Richard's elder brother have a daughter?" she asked. "I thought that his elder brother left the 'family business' to her, not to Richard. Richard was enraged and died under mysterious circumstances." 

Kurt laughed and started going on about how a woman could run such an organization such as Hellsing. It took a man to do something like that. 

Now Integral was quite insulted, but Kurt didn't seem to mind. He was now talking about the cemetery. Integral didn't like the cemetery. It brought back too many painful memories. It reminded her of her failure, her failure to her country and to her men, especially since this was where they were buried. 

"It is said," Kurt replied, "that this cemetery is haunted by the souls of hundreds of dead soldiers killed by vampires over the years." 

The very thought of that almost literally made Integral sick to her stomach. She said a short prayer for her slain soldiers and asked them for forgiveness. "Dear god, I hope not." 

_ My god. Does he ever run out of things to say? Who in their right mind would want to get married in a cemetery? I want to go home..._

  
Alucard sat on the steps outside the Hellsing Manor waiting for his master to return. Seras had made a little progress but Integral would still not be pleased. He has also run out of bullets. 

Finally, Integral pulled up in the car. She got out and looked at Alucard.

Alucard stood up to greet his master. "Good evening, Master." 

Integral looked at her vampire. "Are you hungry, Alucard?" she asked. 

Alucard grinned. "I am always hungry, Master." 

Integral handed Alucard a small slip of paper with an address written on it. "A man lives there." She replied as she entered her home. 

Alucard watched Integral enter then laughed.

  
  
**********************************  
**Next chapter:**And Integral thought the cigar room was bad... wait until she gets a whiff of her next date. 

**Author's note:** Kurt Miller is based on a real person. He can literally talk your ears off. Some of you may have had the dreadful experience of meeting him as he goes to anime cons, at least Anime Expo. He likes to talk about the rpg games he's run. Masako Tokugawa and the Black Rose are my characters from Shadowrun. He is quite fond of telling stories about them, whether or not I approve of it. 


	6. Hey, baby

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

  


** New Orders  
Hey, Baby by  
No. 192455631**

  
Alucard entered Walter's office having awakened ready for the evening and not sensing his master in the manor. The Hellsing retainer seemed to be a bit angry about something. 

Without turning around, Walter addressed the Hellsing vampire. "I acquired more bullets as per your request, Alucard. But you really should be conserving your ammunition. I know that Sir Integra gave you orders to train Miss Victoria but using up all of Sir Integra's target practice ammunition in one night is probably not what she had in mind." Walter replied. "I do not think she would approve of your using her gun either." 

"Leave Integra to me." Alucard responded. 

Walter sighed. "Why don't you go and continue your training? I am sure it is what Sir Integra would want you to be doing." 

"I have a question for you first." Alucard replied. "Integra is out at the apartment waiting for another date, is she not?" 

"She is and you know you are under orders not to go near her while she is out on a date, Alucard." Walter responded. 

"I have no intention of interfering with one of her dates. She seems to have enough fun without me." Alucard snickered. "What I want to know is this. Just how much longer do you intend to continue this? You know as well as I that these men are not worthy of sharing the air that Integra breathes let alone sire her heir." 

Walter gave the vampire a smile. "So, you've figured me out have you?" 

"Indeed." Alucard replied. "Although I do so enjoy watching Integra as she comes home in the evening." 

"You know as well as I that Sir Integra is a stubborn woman. She has a very high sense of honor. She holds in very high regard her duty to the Hellsing family and to her country." Walter replied. "Sooner or later, she will have to give in to her true feelings, and I do hope it's soon. I'm running out of candidates." 

Alucard snickered. "The 'vampire' was classic. And the last one was quite tasty." 

Walter sighed. He had heard about the gentleman's mysterious and untimely death in the news. "I hope for her sanity that Integra sees the light soon, or should I say darkness?" 

With that, Alucard gave Walter a disturbing grin and vanished into the shadow. 

  
Integral sat on her sofa enjoying a cigar as she waited. It was becoming a nightly ritual that she was beginning to dread. After her past couple of dates she was beginning to lose all hope for the male species. 

There was a knock on the door. Her date for the evening had arrived. She put out her cigar and got up to answer the door. Upon opening the door, she was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of cheap cologne and breath spray. 

The gentleman, if he could be called that, was leaning against the door jam and grinning. He was dressed in a pair of green slacks, a bright blue sports jacket with a pink shirt unbuttoned half way down his chest to reveal a disturbing amount of hair and enough jewelry that could be melted down into several rounds of ammunition if it was silver instead of gold. 

"Hey, baby." The man replied emphasizing the 'h' causing Integral to get a face full of breath spray breath. "Are you ready to tear up the town?" 

Integral didn't know what to make of the man standing before her. What in the world was Walter thinking? 

"I'm Stan. Stan, the _man_." He replied. "You must be Intergral." 

Integral cringed at the mispronouncing of her name. "Integral." She corrected. 

"That's hardly a name suited for a babe such as yourself." Stan replied leaning in closer. 

Integral tried to remain calm. She would not hesitate to slap him if he got too close. 

Alucard was in a rather good mood, Seras thought as she watched her master toy with the freak vampire. This one was quite skilled but still no match for her master. She began to think that Alucard was deliberately toying with him to give her some lessons. Then there was the mere fact that Alucard was simply having fun since Sir Integra wasn't around to yell at him to stop goofing off. Besides, watching her master at play was certainly better than spending the evening getting shot at. She was dreading her next training session, but she was dreading facing Sir Integra only slightly more. 

  
Integral had had enough. This was the fifth restaurant of the evening that Stan tried to get into. As with the others he was denied entry. All of his phony names and so-called contacts were getting him nowhere and Integral was getting hungry. However, this restaurant was different. She knew this one well, having come here many times with her family and father while he was still in good health. She hoped that there was still somebody there who remembered her as it had been a while since her last visit. Integral turned to Stan and told him that she needed to use the rest room. 

She was in luck. Near the kitchen she found one of the older waiters. He noticed her and came over. 

"Little Lady Hellsing." He replied. "It's been a while. I suppose I shouldn't call you that anymore should I? It's Sir Hellsing now isn't it?" 

"Yes, it has been a while, Gerard." Integral replied. "May I ask a favor of you?" 

"This wouldn't have anything to do with the 'family business', would it?" Gerard asked. 

Integral chuckled. "No. Nothing like that." Integral replied. "It's just that I'm starving and I fear that he will be at that all evening if we don't get seated a restaurant soon. I know it's busy, but if there is anything that you can do, I would be grateful." 

Gerard looked over towards the maître d'. "Oh, my. How in the world did you end up as company with a man like that for the evening?" 

"Don't ask." Integral replied. 

"Well, I believe there is private dining area that your family used." Gerard replied. "I will check." 

"Thank you." 

Integral left to go back to the arguing Stan. Moments later Gerard appeared whispering something to the maître d'. 

The maître d' nodded and turned to Stan. "I'm terribly sorry. There has been some sort of a mix-up. Gerard will take you to your private dining room." 

Stan laughed in the maître d' 's face then offered Integral his arm. Integral refused to take it as they followed Gerard. "I can't believe that they could have made such a mistake." Stan replied playing it cool. "I'm so insulted." 

Integral shook her head as they walked to the dining room. She was going to strangle Walter when she got home. 

  
Alucard decided that it was time to go home. He was getting rather tired of the freak vampire's gloating about how strong he was and how Alucard could not kill him. Calmly, Alucard pulled the Casull from his coat pocket and shot him reducing him to a pile of dust. He then turned to Seras who had been watching the whole time. 

"Time to go, Police Girl." He replied. "Did you learn anything?" 

Seras swallowed. "Uh...." Alucard disappeared. 

Walter was not happy when the Hellsing vampire appeared before him. 

"Target is silenced." Alucard announced. 

"Sir Integra will not be pleased. You took far too much time, Alucard." Walter scolded knowing that it probably wouldn't do a bit of good. 

Alucard grinned. "I was just following my masters orders." He responded. 

"You know Sir Integra likes the targets terminated as quickly as possible, Alucard. And you have orders to be training Miss Victoria. I know that Sir Integra would not be pleased to know that you were fooling around on the battle field." Walter replied. 

"The police girl was watching." Alucard replied. 

Walter sighed. 

At that moment Seras caught up. She looked at both Walter and her master. She had missed something. 

  
Integral tired to enjoy her meal. This was a place where she had spent time with her father. She remembered a few times when her mother was here as well. But she was all too aware that the check would be arriving soon, and Stan, the man, would most likely try to swindle his way out of it as well. 

All through dinner, Stan talked about one thing or another, mostly about himself, though. Integral really didn't pay him much attention. After her date with Kurt, she found it much easier to just tune him out, although the fumes from his cologne made it impossible to ignore him completely. 

After desert, the check arrived. Stan whipped out a credit card and handed it to Gerard, who returned moments later asking Stan if he had another as the one he had given him was declined. 

Stan made a big stink, going on about the lousy service and how he shouldn't even have to pay since the food tasted terrible and was not prepared the way he liked it. 

Integral had such a headache. She wanted a cigar but the restaurant had a no smoking policy. She got up and excused herself to the restroom. Gerard met up with her. 

"I am quite curious as to what you are doing in the company of that man, Sir Integral Hellsing." Gerard asked. 

Integral sighed. "I am going to kill Walter for this one." She responded. "Tell me, does he still have an open account here?" 

"Walter C. Ddollneazz? He still works for the Hellsing family?" Gerard asked. 

"Yes, he does." Integral replied. "If he no longer is on account here charge it to mine. I will see to it that it is docked from his pay." 

Gerard chuckled he walked over to the cashier with Integral following behind him. There was something going on, but he knew that it was not in his place to ask. He was privileged enough to be one of the few at the restaurant to actually know what the Hellsing 'family business' was. "Ah, yes. There he is. Everything has been taken care of." 

"Good. Thank you, Gerard. I am terribly sorry." Integral replied. 

"Please do not worry about it." Gerard replied. "It was a pleasure to see you again." 

Integral returned to the table where Stan was waiting for her. She could smell his cologne from outside the room. She took a deep breath and quickly regretted doing so. 

"Hey, Intergral, baby. What kept you?" Stan asked. "Did you need to take a dump or something? I hope the food was okay." 

Integral cringed as she sat down. Alucard must not learn of this one. I will never hear the end of it if he does. 

Moments later, Gerard appeared. He held out a bottle of wine for Stan. Integral recognized it as one of the cheapest on the list. "I am truly sorry for everything. Your check has been taken care of. I do hope that your next visit will be more enjoyable." 

Integral tried not to laugh. Gerard was putting on quite the act. The wine was a nice touch. She made a note to herself to thank him later. 

Stan took the wine and stood up. "Let's blow this joint, babe." 

Integral groaned as Stan walked out without helping her up. She stood up shaking her head. 

  
Seras whined. "Master, you keep moving. I can't tell where the bullets are coming from to dodge them when you keep moving like that." 

Alucard sighed. He was getting a wee bit frustrated. He wanted to see how his master's date was going. He could feel the negative emotion pouring from her, more so this evening that he could previous evenings. But he was now under orders to stay away. So he turned his attention back to Seras Victoria and his master's other order: To train his little pet. 

"Police Girl, your enemy will not pop out and announce their position to you. There may be multiple shooters as well." Alucard replied. 

"Well, I've never seen you dodge." Seras snapped. 

Alucard handed Seras Integral's gun. "You're turn, Police Girl." 

Taking the gun, Seras waited until Alucard got into position and started firing, emptying the clip. Alucard eluded every shot. He caught a few bullets in his hand. He returned to Seras' position and exchanged the spent bullets for his master's gun. 

"Satisfied?" he asked. 

Seras grumbled and returned to her previous position as Alucard loaded another clip. 

  
Integral could not believe where Stan brought her to next. She didn't know what to expect but this was certainly the last place she expected to be taken to on a date. There was no discernable name on the establishment, but the large neon sigh read "LIVE LIVE NUDE NUDE!" in bright orange letters. 

Stan found them a table in front of the stage. The room was crowded and the stench of cigarette smoke filled the air so thick, Integral found it had to breath. At least she could no longer smell Stan's cheap cologne. The pulsating music and strobing lights made her headache worse. The sight of naked females gyrating their naked bodies in her face was the final straw. 

Integral got up and walked out. She took out a cigar and lit it, savoring its taste. She then took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was about to do. She opened her eyes and took a deep drag of her cigar, slowly exhaling. 

"ALUCARD!" 

  
Alucard had emptied yet another clip. Seras was not improving as much as he had hoped she would be. He knew that his master would not be pleased. He put the gun in his coat. "Rest, Police Girl," he replied. 

Seras was relived as she walked up to Alucard. "Master, why are you putting me through this training all of a sudden?" she asked. "I thought you told me that you would allow me to learn and develop at my own pace." 

"My master's orders." Alucard answered. Seras was saying something but Alucard did not hear her. He instead heard something that he didn't figure to hear and grinned. "I must go." He replied. 

"Master...." 

Alucard had disappeared. 

  
Integral waited impatiently. She felt his presence first as he appeared before her with that grin of his. "No a word, Alucard." She glared. 

Alucard's grin grew wider when he realized where he was, and where Integral had apparently just come from. He knew that if he valued his existence it was wise not to say a word about the strip club or laugh at his master. "Do I get to feed again tonight, Master?" he asked. 

"No. I am afraid that you will be poisoned by the toxicity of the breath spray in his blood." Integral replied. "Take me home." 

Just as he was about to teleport the two of them away, Alucard smelled him. He grinned. Time for some fun. Integral glared at Alucard. 

"Hey there, sexy, where did you run off to? Food's ready. Who is this guy?" Stan responded. 

Food? Integral thought. My god. He was eating again? The man ate an entire appetizer, an entrée meant for two, and four deserts?! How could he even think of food? Integral felt sick. 

"Intergral? You feeling okay?" Stan asked. 

Alucard chuckled at the mispronunciation of Integra's name. No doubt his master hated that. "You date is over." Alucard replied. "I suggest you return to your naked ladies. You are not worthy to be in the presence of my master any longer. Consider yourself lucky." 

Stan took up a fighting stance. "Come on. Fight me. You can't just waltz up to my girl and take her away like that." 

Alucard grinned. "Do you really wish to fight me?" 

"For the girl, yes." Stan replied. 

Alucard held out his arms. "Well, then, take you best shot, or two." 

Stan screamed and took a swing at Alucard that normally would have floored a man his size. 

"Impressive. You are strong." Alucard replied. 

Integral shook her head. "Alucard, enough." She replied. "He isn't worth the trouble." 

Alucard nodded and hit Stan on the head knocking him out. He then disappeared into the darkness with his master. 

  
**Next chapter:** I have no idea! I haven't written it yet... eheh.. but review! Tell me what you think... I will probably wrap this up soon... 


	7. Interlude

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

  


** New Orders  
Interlude  
by  
No. 192455631**

  
Alucard awoke. He could sense that his master was in her office. This pleased him. He would go and bother her later. First, he wanted to pay a visit to Walter. Walter was easy to find. He was in his office going over Hellsing reports to give to Integral. 

Walter turned to face the vampire. "What do you want?" he asked. "Why don't you go and bother Sir Integra. She is in a terrible mood. You might find her quite amusing tonight." 

Alucard grinned. "My master can wait for now." Alucard replied. "I want to know what kind of torture you have arranged for her tonight." 

"What do you mean torture?" Walter asked. "I wasn't the one who kept telling her that one could still smell the cheap cologne. How many showers did she take anyway?" 

Alucard snickered. "Six." He answered. "And she burned the clothes she was wearing including her shoes and undergarments." 

"Oh dear. She was rather annoyed last night wasn't she?" Walter responded. "I do believe however that she found a way to get back at me. I received a bill from a restaurant that the family used to frequent." 

"So what do you have in mind for my master tonight?" Alucard asked. 

"Paperwork." Walter replied. "There is quite a lot of paperwork for Sir Integra to catch up on. Besides, I thought that I should let her cool down a bit."

"So no date then." Alucard asked. 

"No. You have her all to yourself tonight, unless of course some freaks say otherwise." Walter replied. "However, tomorrow night she has another date." 

"With what?" Alucard asked anxious to find out what torture was in store. 

"A MI-5 agent." Walter replied. "Through my contacts I managed to find out that this particular agent has had a fondness for Sir Integra for quite sometime. He is a nice fellow and has done some investigating into matters that concern the Hellsing Organization." 

Alucard looked at Walter. He didn't say anything. It was appearing as though the retainer was now getting serious. Alucard would have to make his intentions known somehow. Although Walter had implied that he hoped Integra would see that he was the one for her, Alucard wasn't entirely sure the retainer approved. 

  
Integral sat and looked over the monthly expense report. She noticed the large amount of ammunition that was consumed... curiously for her own personal firearm. There was only one explanation for it considering that she had not used it in some time. 

"Alucard." She mumbled. 

As if on cue, Alucard appeared before her. "You called, Master?" Alucard could see the expense report. 

"What is the meaning of this, Alucard?" Integral responded obviously not very happy. "I had a half a case of bullets and you used them all? It takes me several months to go through a half a case and you went through it in a few days? What in heaven's name are you doing with all those bullets and what the bloody hell are you doing using my gun?" 

Alucard grinned and timidly took Integral's gun out of his coat pocket, placing it on the desk before her. "You know, you are so cute when you are angry." He replied. 

"Alucard. I asked you a question." Integral barked. "You will answer me." 

"I was following your orders." Alucard replied. "I was training the police girl."

"Why can't you use your own guns? You have tow you know." Integral responded snatching her gun off the table. Empty. She should have figured. 

"Oh, but my guns require 'special' bullets and that would have been quite expensive." Alucard replied. "I didn't think you would want me to waste my precious bullets on the police girl." 

Integral took out a cigar and lit it. The damn vampire was right. Blessed or not, Alucard's bullets would have been far more expensive. But still, he was using an ungodly amount. "So I take it the training is going well, then?" 

Alucard just stood there. "Well, she is improving." He replied. 

Integral glared at the vampire. "Improving? Is that all? Alucard. I do not have time for your games. I have other matters to attend to and I am not in the mood to banter with you." 

"You seem to be handling yourself well, Master." Alucard replied. "And you smell quite lovely this evening." 

Integral grinded her teeth and sighed. She handed her gun to the vampire. "Go and make yourself useful and get back to training that useless pet of yours." 

Alucard disappeared as Walter entered the office. Integral looked up. She was dreading what he was going to say. 

"Sir Integra, all is in order for your date tomorrow evening." He replied. 

Integral groaned. "I do so hope, Walter that this one is not a waste of my time." 

"This one is different. He knows who you are." Walter replied. 

"Knows who I am?" Integral asked. "I don't understand."

"He knows that you are Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing." Walter replied. "He will be picking you up here at 18:00 hours." 

Integral nodded. 

  
  
**Next Chapter:** The 'secret agent' guy   
Thank you for all the reviews. You have made me a very happy ninja. Okay, some shout outs and comments...

Melrose Stormhaven- no, Stan was not based on anyone I know. Thank god.

Redd Summers- thank you for the info... but I may be taking this in a different direction but it was interesting to read! [hugs]

I am trying to figure out how to get to where I want this to end.... Please be patient... 


	8. Secret Agent Man

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

There is a new show on A&E... called MI-5. No, I do not watch that. 

Author's Note: this did not turn out anywhere near the way that I thought it would when I decided to hook her up with a MI-5 agent. @_@ However, I like the way that it did turn out. I hope that you will too. Oh, yes. One more thing.. Integral may seem quite OC. But I think her reaction is quite fitting. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

  


** New Orders  
Secret Agent Man  
by  
No. 192455631**

  
Integral sat in her office. She was waiting for the MI-5 agent Walter had set her up with to arrive. She wasn't sure she was looking forward to it or not. Walter said that he knew about her. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? She puffed on her cigar. 

Alucard appeared. "Good evening, Master." The vampire replied. "Are you looking forward to your date tonight?" 

Integral blew smoke in Alucard's face. "I am not sure." She replied. 

"Would you like me to keep and eye on you this evening?" he asked hopefully. 

"No. You will stay here and continue to train that useless police girl of yours." Integral replied. "And if she does not show noticeable improvements soon, I will take up he training myself. And believe me, Alucard, she will not find me to be a pleasant trainer. I will not tolerate her not being able to use her vampiric abilities any longer. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Perfectly, Master." Alucard replied. 

Integral looked at Alucard. "Is there anything else?" 

Alucard looked at his master. "You should wear something a bit more comfortable out on your date, Master." He replied. He wanted to say something more, but wasn't sure how Integral would take it. 

"This is comfortable for me, Alucard." She responded. "Now, you have your orders. Oh, and please see that Seras drinks her blood this evening. I am tired of seeing it go to waste. She should be grateful that she does not have to go out and fend for herself." 

"Yes, Master." Alucard replied as Walter entered the office. 

"Sir Integra, Henry has arrived. He is waiting for you downstairs." Walter replied. 

Integral groaned as Alucard disappeared into the shadows. 

Integral walked down the stairs to find a nicely dressed handsome young man waiting for her. He smiled at her. 

"Good evening, Sir Integral." The young man replied. "May I drop the title for this evening?" 

Integral nodded. "That would be fine." 

The young man chuckled and began again. "Good evening, Integral. My name is Henry." 

Walter was pleased. The young man seemed like such a nice fellow and Alucard was nowhere in sight. He would hate to have him scared off so quickly. 

  
Alucard watched from the rooftop of the Hellsing Manor as the handsome young man opened the door to his car for Integral. He could not sense any ill feeling from his master. He wondered if his master could fall for a man like that. The fact that he was nice looking and that she didn't have to hide her identity as she did with her previous dates was in the young man's favor. He was also human. 

The vampire watched as the car drove away. 

  
Henry arrived at the theater and allowed the valets to park the car. As he walked with Integral to the main area, he chuckled. "I am going to apologize to you now. I thought the perfect night out would be dinner and show. I have been on the worst mission and a nice meal would make me very happy. And it's been ages since I've been able to enjoy a show." 

Integral looked at him curiously. "The last time I've been to the theater, I was too young to remember." Integral replied. "Why must you apologize for that?" 

Henry pointed to the marquee above the theater. 

Integral looked to the marquee. "Dracula, the musical? You have got to be kidding me, right?" 

"I know. It was the only one I could get tickets for on such short notice. It's getting good reviews and isn't all that popular yet. The music is supposed to be really good." Henry replied. "If anything, it's good for a laugh. What do you say?" 

"I suppose it can't be much worse than being told my entire family history over dinner." Integral groaned. 

"I beg your pardon?" Henry asked. 

Integral chuckled. "On of my previous dates. He told me my entire family history, quite inaccurately, I might add, over dinner. Did you know that my Uncle Richard is in charge of the Hellsing Organization?" 

"You Uncle Richard?" Henry replied. "What ever happened to him. The MI-5 has a file on his disappearance." 

"I'd rather not talk about my uncle." Integral replied. She still felt uncomfortable about talking about that year. 

"Sorry." Henry replied. He changed the subject back to the musical. "I wonder how accurate the musical will be?" 

"As accurate as the novel it's based on." Integral replied. "The family deliberately changed and left details out." 

  
Alucard was still at his rooftop vista when Seras found him. She wondered what her master was doing just standing there, staring out onto the road leading away from the Hellsing manor. He didn't even seem to notice the police girl's approach. 

"Master, are you all right?" Seras asked. "What are you looking at?" 

Alucard turned Seras. "Nothing you need concern yourself with, Police Girl." 

Seras hoped that there would be a mission tonight. She did not look forward to another training session with her master. He was really working her hard. 

"Prepare yourself, Police Girl. Tonight we are doing something different." Alucard replied. 

Different. Seras found herself at the combat maze. Her master stood on the observation deck. There, Alucard barked his orders for her to run the maze in a certain amount of time. 

At first, Seras found it easy since she did not have to worry about traps of 'ghouls' popping out for an attack. But soon, Alucard decreased the time in which she had to run the maze to what she thought was impossible. 

"Master, I can't possibly make it from the starting point to the end in that amount of time." Seras whined already tired from the many times she had already run the maze. 

"You should have the maze memorized by now, Police Girl." Alucard replied. 

"Yes, but I still can't make it that fast." Seras whined. 

Seras stumbled back as Alucard glared at her. He seemed to be almost glowing in darkness. 

"You disappoint me, Police Girl." Alucard replied. "I could have easily killed you that night. Do you know why I gave you that choice? I sensed something within you. I thought you to be worthy. You are nothing, Police Girl. That pathetic Luke Valentine was better than you. And you allowed his brother Jan to get past you to get to Integra. If it had not been for her own prowess, my master might be dead." 

Seras fell to the ground. "Master..." 

Alucard glared at her. "Stand up. Show me what you've got." 

Seras stood up. She ran as fast as she could, faster than she ever had before. She did not want to upset her master. This new anger had something to do with Sir Integra. She just knew it. She was not going to let her master or her master's master down. 

  
Intermission. Henry and Integral went out into the lobby. Integral was still trying to compose herself having laughed through most of the first act. Henry just shook his head as the other theatergoers glared at them. 

"You know, I figured you would find some humor in the musical, but never this much." He replied, handing her his handkerchief to wipe her tears. 

Integral took the handkerchief and wiped her eyes. "Thank you. I'm sorry." She replied. "It's just that the actor portraying Dracula reminds me so much of Alucard I can't stop laughing. Just the thought of Alucard swooning and then bursting into song is so funny." 

Henry chuckled. "I've heard of your Alucard. And I can see why that is so funny." Henry replied. "That aside, are you enjoying the musical?"

"I am. Although, I suppose my laughter is annoying those around me laughing during the dramatic Dracula moments? They must think I'm nuts." Integral replied. "I've never laughed so much in my entire life." 

"Would you like to watch the second act?" Henry asked. 

"Of course, if we don't get shown the door first." Integral replied. "Aside from finding Dracula highly amusing the music and the performances are quite nice." I am enjoying the show." 

Alucard waited on the roof for his master to return. Seras had passed out from exhaustion. She had done quite well. Alucard took her to her room and placed her on her bed then went up to where he was now, waiting for his master's return. He hoped that his master would be pleased at the police girl's progress. 

Finally, Henry's car pulled up. Henry got out and opened the door for Integral. She did not seem at all agitated like she usually did coming home from a date. Alucard listened to what they were saying. 

"Thank you for a lovely evening, Henry." Integral replied. "I really enjoyed myself." 

"I had a lovely time as well," Henry replied. "I really hope that when I return we can see the musical again. Maybe you won't find it as amusing as you did this time." 

"I doubt that." Integral replied. "They probably won't even allow me into the theater the next time." 

Henry laughed. "Hey, how about a movie? I hear there is a new one coming out about a Catholic priest who goes about slaying the demons of the land." 

Integral could tell that Henry was serious. "Oh god." 

  
  
**Next Chapter:** Who knows? Since I changed directions I have no idea what I'm doing anymore... still have a few date ideas floating here and there... and yes, Integral is still on track to get together with Alucard. Some familiar faces may return as well. 

Okay, fine. This had nothing to do with a 'secret agent man'. I just got an idea for where he would take her and it just took off from there. 


	9. Britanica Cowboy

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

This chapter is dedicated to my "Alucard" who helped with Pip. DAMN FLIES!!! I love you! 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

Oh yeah. I changed my 'pen name'. I was getting tired of typing 19245631 all the time... ^^: 

  


** New Orders  
Britanica Cowboy  
by  
Integral Hellsing**

  
Walter sat with Henry. He was pleased that things had gone so well between Henry and Integral. "Thank you for showing Sir Integral such a lovely time. I don't recall ever seeing Integra laugh like that, even as a small child." 

Henry smiled. "Well, I enjoyed myself as well. Like her, I enjoyed spending time with somebody who understands what I do." 

"So are you here to schedule another date with Sir Integral?" Walter asked hopefully. 

"Actually not. Integra and I discussed things between our fits of laughter.' Henry replied. "Integra told me about the orders. I don't agree with what they are forcing her to do. We talked about what kind of person she is really looking for and things will not work out between us. She confided in me. She needs somebody who can take care of her, I can not do that." 

Walter was surprised. Integra confided in somebody other than the picture of her father? 

"We will remain friends at least. I promised her a movie when I get back form my mission." Henry replied. 

Walter was a bit disappointed but he was glad that Integra at least seemed to have had made a friend in Henry, and that in itself was a good thing. "Well, then, I guess I must make other plans for Integra tonight." 

Henry looked at Walter with a serious expression on his face. "You've known Integra for a long time. I got the feeling that she likes somebody in particular. Why not set her up with him?" Henry asked. 

Walter sighed. "I can't do that. You see, Integra is a very proud and stubborn woman. She believes very strongly to her duty to her country and to upholding the family honor. She won't admit her feelings." 

"I see." Henry replied. He understood a lot more now. "Well, I really must be going. I hope things work out for her. Please see that she gets this?"

Henry gave Walter a small gift and left. 

Several minutes passed before Walter found himself staring into the red eyes of the vampire, Alucard. 

Walter looked up at the vampire. "No. Henry will not be taking Sir Integra out for a while. He has a mission that will keep him away for quite some time, I'm afraid." Walter noticed that the news seemed to please the vampire. "However, when he returns he will be spending time with Sir Integra. If anything, she seems to at least made a friend in Henry." 

"So nothing serious?" Alucard asked. 

Walter was amused but Alucard's question. "No. Nothing serious." He replied. "Would you be so kind as to deliver this to Integra? It's a gift from Henry. Was there anything else, Alucard?" 

The vampire looked as though he wanted to say something, but shook his head and vanished with the package he had been asked to deliver. Walter sighed. It was appearing that his little plan was bringing out the emotions in at least one of the two. 

  
Integral was seated as usual at her desk, smoking a cigar Her office door opened. She looked up and was surprised to see Alucard enter. That was odd. The vampire usually just appeared. He never used the door. Immediately her defenses went up. 

"What do you want, Alucard? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Integral snapped. "Then again, that's never stopped you from bothering me before, why should I expect it to now?" 

Alucard grinned. "You don't look busy," he replied getting a frown from his master. "Besides, what I want and why I am here are two completely different matters." 

Integral glared. There was the Alucard that she was used to. "Okay. Humor me. Why are you here?" 

Darn. Alucard had hoped that she would ask what he wanted. He snickered and tossed the little gift onto the table. "Your MI-5 lover-boy left you a present." Alucard's grin grew wider. That struck a nerve. He so much enjoyed annoying his master. 

Integral angrily grabbed the gift. "Henry is not my lover-boy, Alucard." She snapped. 

Alucard feigned disbelief. "What happened? The two of you looked like you were having such a lovely time." He replied. "Not enough woman for him?" 

Integral growled at Alucard's comment. She knew how to be a woman... or did she? Jack was more of a woman than she ever was. She sighed. It was hopeless. She would never find somebody. Ignoring Alucard, Integral opened the gift from Henry. The enclosed card was a 'classic' Dracula image of the vampire biting the neck of a beautiful lady. The note on the back read: Integra, thank you for a wonderful evening. I look forward to laughing with you again soon. Till next time, Henry. 

Alucard watched curiously as a smile flashed across his master's face. 

Integral opened the gift next. There was a warning label. It read: WARNING! OPEN WITH EXTREME CAUTION. CONTENTS MAY PROVOKE UNCONTROLLED FITS OF LAUGHTER. Opening the package, Integral found herself looking at a soundtrack CD of the Dracula musical. She looked at it closely and realized that the actor playing Dracula on the CD was the actor they had seen at the theater and burst out laughing. 

"What is so amusing, Master?" Alucard asked. He had never heard his master laugh before. He liked that sound. 

"This!" Integral replied showing Alucard the CD. 

Alucard was not amused. 

  
Walter waited. Finally. Captain Pip Bernadette arrived in his office. He was dressed rather unceremoniously in his boxers and a t-shirt with a cigarette hanging from his lip. "This had better be important." Pip responded. "I was in the middle of something." He didn't like the idea of being called into the 'old man's' office in the middle of a strip poker game, that he was actually winning. He mused thought that it could have been worse. It could have been the boss calling and that would have meant getting dressed not to mention a ribbing by the guys. 

Walter groaned. He didn't even want to know what Pip's 'something important' could be. "I have something that I would like you to do." The Hellsing retainer replied. "The Hellsing Organization will compensate you for any reasonable expenses that you may incur." 

Pip was skeptical. Just what was it the old man was asking. "What is it that you want me to do? Does it involve guns?" 

"That is entirely up to you." Walter replied. 

"Up to me? I don't know if I like the sound of this. Hellsing paying for my expenses? Does Sir Integra know of this little mission you are sending me on?" Pip asked. 

"She will shortly after you accept." Walter replied. 

"I don't like the way this is sounding. Is the boss going to approve of this mission of yours?" Pip asked. He knew that Walter was the only one who could get away with doing things behind Sir Integral's back besides Alucard. 

Walter sighed. He could see that Pip wasn't about to blindly say yes. "I want you to take Integra out for the evening." Walter replied. "She needs to 'get away' Let her hair down so to speak, and I think that you are just the man to do it." 

Pip was surprised. "You want me to WHAT?" 

"Take Sir Integra away from the house for the evening. Get her to loosen up, forget about Hellsing." Walter replied. 

Images formed in Pip's mind... images that would get him shot in the head by Sir Integra, his arms sliced off expertly by the old man, and he didn't even want to think about what Alucard would do. 

Walter was beginning to think he had made a big mistake in asking Pip to take Integral out as he watched the expressions that flashed across the soldier's face. 

  
Alucard stood in front of his master's desk. He just watched her. He enjoyed watching her. 

Integral looked up glaring at Alucard. "Why are you still here?" she asked. 

"You haven't given me any orders, Master." Alucard grinned. 

"Why don't you make yourself useful and find me a CD player." Integral replied. 

"So you can play that thing?" Alucard asked pointing to the Dracula musical soundtrack. "I will not." 

"Are you refusing my orders?" Integral asked glaring at the vampire. 

"If you are asking me to fetch you a CD player to play that ridiculous thing, then yes. I refuse." Alucard responded. 

"Alucard, I command you to get me a CD player!" Integral screamed. 

Alucard loved getting his master angry. He sighed. "Very well, Master." With that Alucard vanished, only to return moments later with a CD player. He handed it to Integral. 

Integral took the CD player. There were no batteries inside, and no head phones to listen to it. "Alucard, how am I supposed to use this?" 

"What? I got you the CD player." He replied. 

Annoyed, Integral lit a cigar. "Alucard, take the rest of the night off. I don't care what you do. Hunt, feed, just leave me alone." 

"You're sending me away? But I like annoying you." Alucard grinned. 

"Just go away!" Alucard chuckled and vanished. 

  
Integral sat back in her chair, enjoying her cigar. She looked at the portrait of he father. She wondered what he would think of her situation, her habit, and how her life would have been any different had he lived longer. Would she still be in the situation she was in now? Would her relationship with Alucard be any different? 

The door opened. Integral turned to the door, expecting it to be Walter. Instead she found herself looking at a showered and pressed Pip Bernadette. No. He couldn't? Walter would never, would he? 

Taking a deep breath, Integral addressed the captain of her army. "Captain Bernadette, what do you want?" she asked hoping he was here for something other than what she suspected... guns, cigarettes, even porn. She didn't care. 

"I'm here to take you out of here." Pip replied. "You need to get away, relax." 

Integral looked at him. "Walter set you up to this didn't you? You don't have to take me out. What ever he's paying you, I'll double it." 

Pip chuckled. He was actually looking forward to taking his boss out. Who knew what would happen if he got her to really loosen up? Besides all that, Integral Hellsing was one sexy lady. "I'm not getting paid for this. I'm doing this for Walter." 

Integral gave him a look. "I didn't think you cared. Is there something that I should know about the two of you?" 

"Very funny." Pip replied. "To be honest, I'm more afraid of what Walter will do if I don't take you out. And frankly, you don't scare me." 

That hit a nerve. Integral stood up and glared at Pip. 

"Fine! I'll go out with you. I'll show you, Mr. Bernadette, not to mess with me! Let's go." 

  
Seras went searching for her master. He was nowhere to be found. She couldn't find him anywhere. She knocked on Sir Integral's office, but she got no response. She usually at least got a growl or some kind of a reply. She couldn't sense Alucard anywhere nearby either. But then that wasn't unusual since he usually shielded his presence from her. Where was everybody? Did they leave on a mission without her? 

She made her way up to the roof. She was sure that she would find her Master there. The rooftop was one of Alucard's favorite places, but he wasn't there. She sighed. Nothing. Just some dried bird crap. Looking down, she noticed Pip's Hummer. Was that Sir Integra with him? Why would she be going anywhere with Pip? Business, she could understand, but Pip was dressed in civvies. It couldn't be Sir Integra, could it? 

  
Integral climbed into the Hummer, as Pip roared the engine. Tires squealed as he peeled out of the driveway. Integra had just managed to get her legs inside before her door slammed shut from the forward momentum. 

Heading out of the Hellsing Estates at full speed, Pip was not slowing down as they approached the main gates, which were opening slowly. Integral feared that he was going to hit them. As they reached the gates there was just enough room for the Hummer to clear the opening, and Pip squealed onto the public streets. 

Pip continued down the road at a high rate of speed, managing to avoid every possible obstacle in their path. Integral thought that either he was an excellent driver or just extremely lucky. Deciding that Pip couldn't possibly be that good at anything, he was just lucky. She just hoped that she wasn't around when his luck ran out. 

There was a loud thump against the Hummer and for an instant, Pip lost control. 

"What the bloody hell was that?" Integral asked. 

"Oh, nothing. We just clipped a cow." Pip responded calmly grinning gleefully as he continued his high-speed journey. 

"Clipped a cow?" Integral asked as she noticed what looked like somebody walking across the road. Pip had to have seen him but wasn't slowing down. 

Pip let out a cheer as he struck the figure in the road causing the body to go flying over the hood, into the window and then up onto the roof. Pip laughed as the body could be heard rolling across the roof and then not heard. "That'll teach him to stay off the roads at night!" 

Integral was about to yell at Pip for running the poor guy over and stop the Hummer until a very familiar red hat flew into the windshield and then went over the roof. "Dear God, have mercy..." 

Pip laughed even harder and seemed to drive even faster. 

  
Seras continued to search the Hellsing manor for her master. She could not find anybody. She was trying to convince herself that it had not been Sir Integral she had seen getting into the Hummer with Pip. She found herself standing outside Sir Integral's office. Her master had to be inside talking to Sir Integral. It was what he enjoyed doing after all... annoying his master. He was probably shielding his presence from her. That had to be it. She knew how her master felt about his master. 

Leaning against the door, Seras wished that she could see inside. The last time she witnessed her master with his master she felt hurt, but it was different now. Now she wanted to see Sir Integral with her master. That would confirm that it was not her master's master that she had seen earlier. 

Suddenly, Seras fell to the floor. It a few moments before she realized that she was inside the office, but the doors were still locked. Had she phased through the doors? She was confused and then the panic struck as she looked toward Sir Integral's desk. But there was no reason to panic for the office was empty. No master, and no Sir Integral. 

Deciding to take advantage of the situation, Seras looked around the office. She could still smell the lingering scent of the cigars that Sir Integral smoked. She arrived at the conclusion that she did not like that smell, although they did smell better than Pip's cigarettes. The large painting that overlooked Sir Integral's desk frightened her. She realized that it was of Sir Integral's father, her master's previous master. 

Seras did not hear the door open. Walter entered as was startled to see Seras inside staring at the portrait of the previous Sir Hellsing. 

"Miss Victoria?" Walter asked in his ever-pleasant tone. "May I ask what you are doing here?" 

Seras jumped. "Walter! Don't scare me like that." She replied. 

"I'm sorry, Miss Victoria, but you should not be in here. Sir Integra's office is off limits to everyone except me when she is not present." 

Seras walked toward the door. "I didn't mean to enter. I was only looking for my master." She responded. 

"Sir Integra gave him the evening off." Walter replied as he walked up to the desk to place a report for Integral to read later. 

"The night off?" Seras was confused. She wanted to ask about Pip but decided it was best that she just leave. "I'll be going now. Please don't tell Sir Integra about this." 

Walter sighed. 

  
In the seedy little bar almost in the middle of nowhere that Pip had driven to, Pip slammed down his tenth shot of Wild Turkey. Integral was not far behind slamming down her ninth. Pip was rather impressed that she could keep up. He did however notice that the effects of the alcohol were beginning to take its affect on the young Hellsing leader. 

A local group of rowdies walked up to Pip and Integral and started making rather lewd comments. Pip stood up to shut them up. Integral also got up. 

"Better let me handle this, boss." Pip replied. 

"Are you implying that I can't handle myself?" Integral responded with a slight slur to her speech looking rather insulted. 

"Oh, no. That's not what I meant at all." Pip replied. 

The rowdies laughed. One of them spoke up. 

"Awww. What's the matter, Pip? Can't do anything without mommy's permission?" he replied. 

Before Pip could react, Integral walked up to the rowdy and kicked him between the legs. "How dare you! I will not have you insulting me or my friend like that!" 

Pip didn't know whether or not to risk laughing or to be shocked at Sir Integral's outburst. 

"See? I can handle myself just fine. I don't need to hide behind you or my pet vampire." Integral replied proudly. 

"Whatever you say, boss." Pip replied. 

"Are you doubting me?" Integral asked. 

"No, not in the least." Pip quickly responded. 

The rowdies began to laugh. Integral turned to them and glared. 

"Are you laughing at me?" she asked. 

"No, we're laughing at your one-eyed boyfriend." One of them replied. 

Without hesitation, Integral promptly slugged the one who said that in the face. "Pip is not my boyfriend! How dare you assume this low-life is my boyfriend!" 

Pip felt as though he should be insulted. Integral had just called him a low-life, but it was just to funny watching stuffy Sir Integral Hellsing let loose on the local rowdies. Every time one of them said something she didn't like she slugged them in the face. If they touched her, she kicked them between the legs. Soon she had them begging for mercy or attempting to run off. 

When it was all over, Integral adjusted her tie and poked Pip in the chest. "Don't you start anything." She replied. 

Pip chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't." he replied. "Perhaps we should go now. You're drunk." 

"Am not!" Integral responded like a defiant child. "I'm having much to much fun." Integral then grabbed the mug of beer that Pip was holding and downed it rather quickly. 

Pip shook his head. "Oh, boy." 

  
Alucard was not happy when he returned to the Hellsing manor. And the happy excited greeting he got from the police girl did not help any. 

"Master, are you all right?" Seras asked. 

Alucard glared. "No. I got run over by a truck and I lost my hat. Go away." 

Seras watched as her master entered the house. 

  
Pip returned from the restroom. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Integral was standing on the table with her tie in one hand, a glass of beer in the other with another fellow, leading the bar in song. 

"Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deck chair up your nose! Buy a jumbo jet, and bury all your clothes. Paint your left knee green then extract your wisdom teeth..." 

Pip shook his head. What in the world was she singing? Good lord. It was terrible! He would never have believed this was happening if he wasn't witnessing it himself and even then he wasn't sure of what was going on. 

"Skin yourself alive learn to speak Arapahoe. Climb inside a dog and behead an Eskimo. Eat a Renault Four, wear salami in your ears. Casserole you Gran, disembowel yourself with spears!" 

That was it. Pip could stand no more. He got up onto the table and helped Integral down. "Come on. We are going home." He replied. 

Integral pouted. "You're not fun." 

Pip sighed as he led Integral out of the bar to his Hummer. He wasn't sure Integral would remember much of the evening. He hoped that she wouldn't. He tried to get her inside the Hummer when she noticed something on the roof and tired to climb up and get it. 

"Get inside," Pip replied. 

"But I want it!" Integral whined. 

Pip sighed. "Get inside. I'll get it." He replied. 

"You will?" Integral asked getting in. 

"Yes." Pip climbed up and cursed. He tried to laugh at the implications of what the object stuck in the equipment rack meant. He climbed down with the object and gave it to Integral. 

"Oooh! This looks like Alucard's hat!" Integral squealed. 

Pip shook his head as he got into the driver's seat. He started motor and drove home. 

On the way, Integral began to ramble. Pip was only half listening. But then she started saying some interesting things. 

"I can't stand that stupid police girl. At first I didn't like her because I thought she was going to take my Alucard away from me." Integral replied. "She likes you. I'm glad. Alucard is my friend. I like him. Do you think he likes me?" 

"What? Huh? Alucard?" Pip responded suddenly realizing that Integral had asked him a question. "Yeah, I think he likes you." 

Integral giggled and clutched the 'Alucard' hat to her chest. "Oh goodie!" With that she passed out. 

"Goodie?" Pip laughed. 

  
When Pip returned to the Hellsing manor, Alucard was sitting on the front steps, hatless, sipping on his nightly blood ration. Pip began to curse, but then looked at Integral who was sleeping peacefully in the front seat clutching Alucard's hat to her chest. 

Alucard met pip as he opened the door. Alucard reached inside and gently took the sleeping form of his master inside. Pip was speechless and holding his breath until the vampire was inside. He then let out a huge sigh of relief. 

Seras watched from the rooftop. What was Sir Integral doing in the front seat of Pip's Hummer? 

  
Alucard entered Integral's room. He gently put her down on the bed. He stood there watching her. He wanted to get his hat back. 

Finally, Alucard decided that he would attempt to make his master as comfortable as possible. He carefully changed her into her nightgown and tucked her into bed. She however still had his hat. 

He leaned in to try and take it from her. Even in her sleep she would not relinquish the hat. Alucard was persistent. He got his hat, however, Integral had his arm. He tried to get her to release his arm but it was to no avail. He tugged, she whined. Alucard leaned in and kissed his master on the cheek and Integral released his arm with a smile. 

Alucard backed away from the bed and stood there watching to make sure that she was resting peacefully. When he was satisfied he vanished from the room. 

  
  
Whew! Well, that was long... 

**Next chapter:** Reflections... another interlude... The end is drawing near.. unfortunately I have no idea on how to end it. 

Oh yes... Integra's song.. No, I did not make those word up... They are from Spitting Image. It's called "The Chicken Song" Spitting Image is a British group who used puppets to spoof world leaders and such 


	10. Interlude: Relfections

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

**Shout outs: **  
Subaru Shojo- I guess Alucard is trying not to scare Integra? LOL Plus he just discovered what happened to his hat. And would you wake up Integra? Glad you liked Pip.

Lady Saiyajin- Oh, there will be more than just an epilogue… New Orders 2 is already in the works… and well you know, the pregnancy comes first.. ^_^ 

New Orders  
Interlude: Reflections  
by  
Integral Hellsing

  
Integra sat in her office. She had gotten up rather late considering what time she usually got up. She had an awful headache. Walter said nothing as he brought her lunch in her office. She thanked Walter. After finishing her meal, she had made a call out to the barracks for Pip to report to her office. He had yet to arrive. 

Integral's head was spinning. Not only from the after effects of the alcohol, but due to he own emotions. She only vaguely recalled what had happened last night and could not even be sure what was real and what was a dream. 

When Pip finally showed up, he had showered, shaved and was in full dress uniform. He entered the office and snapped to attention. 

"Captain Bernadette, reporting as ordered, sir!" he replied. 

Integral sighed. "At ease, Pip." She replied using his name in a wasted attempt to relax him. "You have nothing to worry about. I didn't call you in here to punish you." 

Pip let out a deep breath. "Whew. You didn't?" 

"No. I didn't. Now get over here. Don't make me shout across my own office." Integral replied. 

Pip walked up to Integral's desk. He was still a bit nervous as to what his boss had to say. He did get her drunk after all. He was also curious as to just what she remembered about the evening. He was sure she was going to punish him in some way. She wouldn't think of punishing Walter. 

Integra sat back in her chair and lit a cigar. She relaxed and took a few puffs before speaking. "About last night, Pip…" 

"I'm sorry." Pip snapped before Integral could finish her sentence. 

"Sorry about what?" Integral asked. "Sorry about getting to see a side of me that no one has ever seen, not even Walter? About seeing me drunk off my ass standing on the table singing that god awful song making a complete fool of myself?" 

Pip tired hard not to snicker. "I'm sorry." He snapped again. 

"There is nothing to be sorry about, Pip… unless something happened between the bar and my waking up in my bed." Integral replied. "I really don't remember much about what exactly happened last night." 

"Well, you did say some pretty interesting things on the drive home." Pip snickered. "But for the sake of my life, I understand that they are not to be repeated, and never happened. I've got a cure for a hangover if you need one." 

"I'm fine, thank you. Walter gave me a god awful concoction this afternoon when I woke up." Integral replied. "If you have nothing else to say then you are dismissed." 

Pip saluted and left the office. He let out a deep breath. He survived. 

  
Integra could not sit in her office with the portrait of her father staring at her. She had a lot on her mind. She was quite sure of what she wanted but unsure of whether or not she should pursue it. She decided to get her frustrations out at the shooting range. 

There was quite a crowd there. New recruits. She sighed. She inspected the results of their target practice and was not very impressed. Many of the newer recruits were former police officers and insisted on using non-lethal shots. While accurate and appropriate for their former duty, it was not suited for the Hellsing Organization. She decided to address them, picking one. She looked at the name on his uniform. Preston, it said. 

"Preston, front and center." Integral commanded. "Your accuracy is to be applauded, however you failed to hit the target." 

Preston glared at Integral. "Who the bloody hell are you? You don't know a damn thing. I hit the targets right on the mark. 100% All in one hole." 

"Wasted shots." Integral replied. "You hit the target in the shoulder. While that may have been adequate to stop your target in the Police force, it is not here. In order to silence the targets that you will be facing with the Hellsing Organization, only a shot to the head and/or heart will do. Is that clear?" 

"Listen here, you wench, I don't take no orders from a woman." Preston replied. 

"What did you call me?" Integral replied. 

"A wench. I said that I don't take no orders from a woman. Especially one like you… unless of course you want me to show you what kind a of real man I am." Preston grinned. 

Integral kept her cool. This man was not worth losing it over, even if he had just insulted her. "I am Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing, your Commander and Chief. You are out of line. You will answer to me, is that understood?" 

"I take orders from Captain Bernadette." Preston replied. 

"And Captain Bernadette answers to me." Integral replied. 

"Ha! Yeah, right. Go back to the kitchen and fix me some dinner, wench." Preston replied. 

Integral went to the gun rack. She took off two guns, loaded them. She aimed that the target with both guns firing them simultaneously. When she had emptied the clips she brought the target in for inspection. All of the bullets were within 2 centimeters of the target, one clip to the head, the other to the heart. The computer registered a score of 100%. She turned to Preston. 

"I do not belong in the kitchen." Integral replied. 

"Ha! Lucky shot." Preston sneered. "You don't like me? Then 'miss commander and chief' why don't you fire me?" 

"Fire you? Now why would I want to waste a pathetic human life such as yours and throw you out on the streets without a job? You signed on to the Hellsing Organization. I do not know what it is you expected from the Hellsing Organization, but I am not about to let you out of your contract so easily." Integral replied. "I will not tolerate such insubordination in my organization. I have ways of disposing of riff raff like you." 

"Oh, I so afraid." Preston teased. "You don't frighten me." 

  
Alucard awakened to find a bound, gagged, and whimpering Hellsing soldier sitting against the wall, near his table. He grinned and walked over to him. There was a note taped to his forehead. He ripped it off, stripping half of the soldier's eyebrows off in the process. The soldier let out a muffled scream. 

Reading the note, Alucard smiled recognizing the precise handwriting of his master. He read it out loud so that the soldier could hear.

"Alucard, this man is not worthy of serving in my organization. You must be hungry. Enjoy. Your Master, Integra." 

The soldier was whimpering loudly. Alucard chuckled as he lifted him to his feet. He grinned baring his fangs. He was hungry. He enjoyed every opportunity his master gave him to feed. 

  
Integral sat at her desk waiting for her nightly visit from Alucard as she smoked a cigar. She couldn't help feel a bit excited. She tired to tell herself that she was not feeling that way, and desperately tired to suppress it. 

At last Alucard appeared before her. He had a pleased grin on his face. 

"Good even, Master. I think I like these new orders of yours. You haven't allowed me to feed like this in a while. Two in one month." Alucard replied. "May I ask what he did to earn the honor of being my dinner?" 

"He called me a wench and told me to go back to the kitchen and fix him dinner." Integra replied. "I trust you disposed of the body properly?" 

Alucard nodded. "Quite tasty. Not as good as yours. When are you going to let me taste your blood again, Master?" 

Integral glared. She wondered if Alucard was reading her thoughts. If he was he would know how much of wreck she was at the moment. Her thoughts were in a mess. "If that is all, Alucard, you may go now." 

"One more thing." Alucard replied holding out his hands. "I need new gloves." 

Integral noticed the vampire's normally white gloves. She had expected them to be stained with blood. "Alucard! Your gloves… they are… PINK!" Alucard's gloves were stained a rather bright shade of pink. 

The vampire nodded. "Yes. And so is Captain Bernadette's hair." 

Integra buried her face in her hands. "Oh, dear lord." 

A loud scream could be heard from the troop barracks. 

Alucard stood there grinning. 

"Alucard. Go away. Leave me alone." Integra replied hoping he would obey her. 

To her surprise, Alucard nodded, bowed and vanished. 

Integral took a deep breath and turned to the portrait of her father, the previous Sir Hellsing, that hung on the wall overlooking her desk. _"This is all your fault you know. It's your fault I'm in this predicament. Why couldn't you have arranged a husband or something? You could have at least prepared me for what was to come. Surely you knew how the knights would react to me. Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me, father? Why? I need your guidance now. _

You could have at least told me about what was in the basement. 'A means to protect you'. And let's not forget about dear Uncle Richard. I know why you left Hellsing to me and not to him, but you could have warned me. 

I have to produce an heir, father, someone to carry on the Hellsing name and honor. I don't have any friends, save Walter and Alucard. Yes, father, that vile monster you left in the basement to protect me is my friend. 

I'm not like you, father. I can't go on like this. Do I compromise the family honor by following my heart? Or do I continue to look for someone to marry who will help me fulfill my duty to my country and uphold the family honor? I have struggled many days trying to come up with a solution that would fulfill both my heart and the family honor, long before I received these orders. I have come to the conclusion that it would be impossible. To follow my heart would mean tainting the honor of this family in ways that I am sure nobody ever would have dreamed of. 

I have a sworn duty to this country, to protect and serve. I have my position as a knight of the Round Table. Nothing I do in the future will change the honor and pride I have to serve my country in these capacities. 

Forgive me, father. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to resist… but I feel that I must do what I have to do." 

  
**Next chapter:** Integral's last date… 


	11. The Date Pt 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed. 

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum. 

Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

I'm not giving up! Since this is taking longer that I would hope... I offer you this... what I've written so far. 

  


New Orders   
My heart belongs to you Pt 1   
By   
Hellsing Ninja 

Integral sat at her desk. She didn't have a mound of paperwork waiting for her, for which she was glad of. She had plans. She called Walter to her office. As usual the Hellsing family retainer arrived promptly. 

"You called, Sir Integra?" Walter asked as he entered and approached her desk. 

"Walter, is there anything important that requires my personal attention on today's agenda?" Integral asked. 

"No. Not that I am aware of." Walter replied. "Is there something you wish to take care of today?" 

"I want you to clear my schedule." Integra replied. "I have some personal business to attend to and I do not want to be disturbed under any circumstances unless it is a matter of life and death that requires me as the head of the Hellsing Organization to attend to personally. You have the authority, Walter, to take care of Hellsing matters." 

Walter nodded. "I understand. And what about any disturbances? Do you wish to be informed about them?" 

"No, I do not. I will read the reports later. The useless vampire will have a chance to prove herself tonight, if there are any disturbances. Alucard will be occupied with other matters tonight, Walter." Integral replied. "That is all." 

Walter bowed. He smiled to himself, and left Integral's office. 

  
Having taken care of a few more things at the manor, Integral left in her car. 

Walter observed her from a window. He wondered what she had in the bags she was carrying. Where was she going, he wondered. 

Arriving at the apartment, Integral took a deep breath as she set the bags down. Now what? she asked herself as she plopped herself down on the sofa. She stared at the bags and their contents for a long while. What was this feeling that was overcoming her? Nervousness. Why was she nervous? She never got nervous. Well, for starters, the decision she had just made for herself went against everything she had been taught to believe. Second here she was, alone in a rented apartment with a beautiful new dress, make up and accessories and not a clue as to what to do with it all. Then there was, of course, him. Was he serious about how he felt or more specifically, how she thought he felt? He never out right said anything. His whole game was a tease. Was that it? Was it all just a game to him? He had tormented her from the day they first met. Sure, she had to admit, some of his attraction to him was pure carnal lust for her blood, pure Hellsing blood, and from being deprived for so long. She was sure that the attraction had grown into something more over the years, but was she only fooling herself? Did he have actually feelings for her or was it just merely a plot in a massive game to earn his freedom? Would tonight be the start of a wonderful new life, or an embarrassing moment that would haunt her forever? 

Integral just sat there, puffing on her cigar pondering the contents of the shopping bags. Then it hit her. JACK! He had given her his number. He was the last person she thought she would ever want to contact again so she had carelessly dropped his number into one of the bags. Found it! She took a deep breath and dialed the number. 

  
Walter went about his usual business about the Hellsing Manor. He even prepared afternoon tea. It was only after he delivered it to Sir Integra's empty office that he remembered that she had gone for the day. It was so unusual for Integral to leave the manor for anything over a few hours for personal business. 

It was about time to prepare the blood for the two vampires in Hellsing's employ. Walter went down to where it was kept. When he opened the refrigerator where the blood for the vampires was kept, he saw something not usually there. There was a single red rose wrapped in cellophane, and a post-it note stuck to one of the blood packets. The note was addressed to Walter instructing him to give the blood and the rose to Alucard. Walter smiled as he read the instructions. He was glad to see that Integra was choosing to pursue what was in her heart, even thought it may not be the right thing to do. All he wanted was for Integral to be happy. 

Walter first prepared the blood for Seras Victoria. He would take hers down first, then return to prepare the presentation for Alucard as per Integra's instruction. 

  
Alucard awoke. He immediately sensed that something was different in the manor. He looked to his table. There was no blood packet waiting for him, and more importantly, he could not sense his master's presence anywhere on the premises. 

Just as he was about to disappear in search of his master, his door entered and Walter entered carrying a tray. The Hellsing retainer carefully set the tray down on the table. 

"Please forgive me for being late, Alucard." Walter replied. "But your meal tonight required a bit of extra preparation I was not expecting." With that Walter bowed and left. 

Alucard walked to the table. The rose caught his attention first. He picked it up and took off the card. His master had written it. It read: Alucard, please meet me at the apartment at 20:00. It was signed simply, Integra. Alucard chuckled then picked up the packet of blood. Instead of the usual time and date stamp, more of his master's writing was present. It read: For Alucard. Alucard smiled. Alucard got packets of his master's blood before, but they were packets that were saved for transfusions or emergencies. A few years ago, Integral decided that rather than to have her blood go to waste, she had Walter serve it to Alucard shortly before it was to expire. This packet however, was not one of those. It had been drawn for him today. 

As he sipped on the delicious blood of his master he glanced again at the rose as he read the card again. Is my master asking me out on a date? 

  
Hair up. Hair down. Jack wanted her hair up, Integral wanted it down. Jack insisted on putting it up, Integral insisted on keeping it down. Jack persisted, Integral persisted. Jack put it up, Integral took it down. 

"AH!" Jack screamed. "Girl, this is getting us no where." 

"My hair stays down." Integral replied. 

"But it looks so lovely pinned up." Jack replied. "What time is your man coming to pick you up?" 

"20:00." 

"What? Speak like a normal person, girl. I don't get this military thing." 

Integral sighed. "Eight o'clock." 

Jack looked at the clock and screamed. "Girl! It's six o'clock! Honey, we have to get a move on!" Jack proceeded to pin Integral's hair up. 

Integra took it down. 

Jack sighed. "You are one stubborn little bitch, aren't you?" Jack chuckled. 

"Yes, I am." Integral replied. "My hair is staying down." 

"Oh but you look so sexy with it up." Jack replied. "This dress just screams 'I must wear my hair up!' It will show off your back and that lovely neck of yours." 

"Exactly. My hair stays down." Integral replied. 

Jack chuckled. "A little modest are we?" 

"No. In my profession, it is not wise to walk around with one's neck exposed." Integral replied. "I've had my hair long for most of my life. I am used to it being down. It stays down. I'm nervous as hell. I never get nervous. Let me at least find comfort with my hair?" 

Jack pulled back just a little bit of Integral's hair. "How about this? It keeps it out of your face like I want it to, but it's still long in the back like you like it.." 

Integral agreed and Jack put the finishing touches on it with a blue ribbon that matched her dress perfectly. Her neck was still a bit more exposed than she would have liked, but she had to admit, it did look rather nice. 

Pleased with the way the hair turned out, Jack took a deep breath. Now, for the make-up. Jack shook his head. 

  
Alucard arrived at the apartment. He was early. He didn't want to be late. He stood outside the door staring at it. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't nervous. No, not at all. He was just going out with his master. Nothing special. Nothing special? It was only what he had wanted for so long... since she came of age, and probably some time before. She had grown into a fine young woman. And what if he was wrong? What if his master was simply giving him a simple order to show up? No, there was the blood, blood drawn that day, for him... and the rose. 

Several passers by gave him a look as they passed. Those who addressed him got an evil vampiric glare. 

Knock. Knock? He never knocked on doors. He preferred knocking them down. If he wasn't knocking the door down, then he preferred phasing through the floor or ceiling or emerging from the shadows. Should he knock? Now? He was early. Was it okay to be early? Or should he wait. He didn't want to be late. No. That would upset his master. He didn't want to upset his master. 

Flowers? Should he have gotten some flowers? Integra got him a rose. Would she be expecting flowers? Did he have time to get some? How long had he been standing there outside her door? Was it time yet? Alucard straightened his tie. He looked down at his suit. Would this be okay? He hadn't worn the suit since his trip to Rio. 

  
Integral sat down, lit a cigar. Jack yelled at her. 

"Put that thing out!" Jack replied. 

"Why?" Integral glared. 

"Dressed like that you should not be smoking cigars." Jack replied. 

"I need to smoke right now. I smoke cigars. Deal with it." Integral responded. 

"You are impossible." Jack replied. 

"So I've been told." 

Integral could sense Alucard when he was nearby. He was standing outside the door. He had been there for quite sometime. What the bloody hell was he doing? What the bloody hell was she doing? She was in a dress fro crying out loud. Wearing make-up! Had she gone completely mad? She still had time to change her mind. Five minutes. She had five minutes to change her mind. 

  
Alucard straightened his tie for what must have been the 50th time in the last five minutes. Knock, he told himself. Knock. He knocked. 

  
Integral jumped at the sound of the knocking on the door. Jack laughed. 

"Don't be nervous, girl." He responded. "You look so hot, your man won't be able to keep his hands off you." 

Integral sighed. "That is what frightens me." She said under her breath as Jack answered the door. 

  
  
  
To be continued.... 


	12. The Date Pt 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.

As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.

Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be ཁaccurate to the seriesཁ. Just FUNཀ

OMGཀ Yes, I have finally updated this. I've got a new computer so I can type things up now and bond with my keyboard. (I'm a pen and paper writer so it's hard for me to type things on keyboards let alone ones that aren't mine.

New Orders  
My heart belongs to you Pt 2  
By  
Amidala of Naboo

Integral jumped at the sound of the knocking on the door. Jack laughed.

ཁDon't be nervous, girl.ཁ He responded. ཁYou look so hot, your man won't be able to keep his hands off you.ཁ

Integral sighed. ཁIt's not his hands I'm worried about.ཁ She said under her breath as Jack answered the door.

Jack looked at the tall pale man standing before him. Dressed in a well tailored black suit and paisley tie, the drag queen could not help think how lucky Integral was.

Alucard looked at the odd girly man who stood before him. He wondered if he had knocked on the wrong door but he knew that wasn't so. He could feel his master's presence in the room. Who was hin man? If one could call him a man he looked so girly. Why was he in his master's apartment? How did his master meet such a man?

"You must be Alucard." Jack replied. "You are _fine_. If I didn't think Integra would kill me for taking you, I would keep you all to myself, honey."

Integral sat on the sofa, puffing on her cigar. Why was her heart racing so? Why was she so nervous about tonight. It wasn't like this was the first time she was going out on a date. No, this was Alucard. Alucard, the no life king, the vampire who lived in her basement. A vampire. The type of monster she had been taught to hate.

Honey? Did this guy just call him 'honey'? Alucard asked himself? Him? _The vampire Alucard? The no life king_? Honey?

Alucard tired to see inside the apartment, but he could not see inside. He only knew that Integra was inside somewhere. He could smell the smoke from her cigars. "I am Alucard. Is my ma– Integra here?"

"She's here." Jack smiled. "It's a good thing you are on time. She's not my type but I wouldn't hesitate to take her out if you stood her up."

Him? This _man _take his master out? Jealousy. Was he feeling jealous? Who was this _man_? Alucard straightened his tie. "May I come in? Or are you just going to stand there in the doorway and stare at me?" Alucard grinned, trying not to show off his fangs to the _man_.

"Well, if it were up to me, and I didn't think your little lady would strangle me, I say let's forget about her, honey and let Jack here show you a grand ol' time." Jack smiled sweetly at Alucard. He then stepped aside so Alucard could enter the apartment. "Integra, dear. Put that stinky cigar away. Your man is here."

Integral put her cigar out, but she found herself no able to move. Stand up! She ordered herself. Good Lord! I'm wearing a dress. What the bloody hell am I thinking? I've asked Alucard, my vampire servant out on a date! I'm wearing a dress!

Alucard tried not to chuckle. He knew that it would only serve to make his master more nervous than she already was. So, he thought. My dear Integra is wearing a dress. He waited patiently for her to stand up. He had waited this long. He could stand to wait a little longer... as long as the _man_ stopped drooling at him.

Finally, Alucard could stand no more of Jack's stares. Integra he could wait for. He walked past the gay man and around to the sofa where his master was sitting. He smiled at her, and kneeled in front of her. She was stunning. She had done all this for him. It touched his heart. No woman, while he was alive or undead had ever gone through so much effort to look this nice for him. That is to say wanting nothing more than his company, not wanting his money or power.

Integral swallowed nervously realizing that Alucard was kneeling before her, smiling. It was a disturbing toothy grin. But there was sincerity in his grin as well.

"You look lovely this evening, Integra." Alucard replied making the mental note not to call her master tonight. No, tonight they were to be 'man' and woman, not servant and master.

Integral found herself blushing. Alucard stood up and held out his hand for her. Integra took his hand and stood up.

Alucard looked at her stunning figure. He had never seen her in anything other than her suits, or the skirt and blouses she wore as a young girl. The dress was cut so that it showed off her womanly features perfectly. He had always knew that the little girl had grown into a beautiful young lady, but he had never seen her. The blue material of her dress highlighted her eyes.

Integral really had no idea of what to do next. Alucard stood up and held a hand out for her helping her to stand. The vampire lead his master to the door and away from the _man_. He thought that he would take to so a nice restaurant, then perhaps a walk..

The hunter sat patiently on the roof top. She snickered to herself as she looked at her clock. Soon, soon soon, she sang. Soon she would have some fun. She waited. A door! A door! Somebody opened a door! Soon. Soon. Soon. Fun. Fun. Fun. She pointed her rifle and waited.


End file.
